Stella's--Behind The Message Board.
This is a fiction story, with lots of satire!
Get ready to laugh!...."Thanks a million Stella"
Setting: The outer parking lot of the Northgate Mall ---
STEVE PERRY *riding up in his Jeep, and parking beside NEAL SCHON, who is
leaning against his Harley* "Hey, Neal, what's up?
Why'd you call me all the
way out here?"
NEAL "I had business here with Herbie this morning, and thought I kill two
birds with one stone, you know?"
SP "Herbie! Geez, the guy will go spastic if he sees me. Where is he now?"
NS "He's in the Mall with Jon, man.
He volunteered to take Herbie to his job
interview if I got him here."
SP "I though Herbie WAS working... wait, let me see if I can remember..."
N "Yeah I know, man... as Jabba the Hut at Star Trek Conventions.... well,
that fell through.
He smacked the crap out of some poor Trekkie who though
he was Dom De Luise.... lost the job... has to go to court-ordered anger
management classes...
but, the good news is he joined Liar's Anonymous
without the intervention we all thought
he was gonna need, man... goes to a
meeting a day..."
SP "That IS good news! So... what's he applying for here at the Mall?"
N "Jon got him an appointment to apply for the job as the Mall's Santa Claus
this year.
But, he didn't tell Herbie what it was for.
He thought Herbie'd
handle it better if he thought he was going for Security Guard or somethin',
you know?"
SP "Yeah, I hear ya! Say, since when do you ride with a side-car on the
Harley?"
N "Since I've had to cart Herbie around everywhere... he lost his license a
couple of months ago after his 'suicide attemp' --- he o.d.ed on
Spagetti-Os, man!
He was on his third case when Jon and I found him nearly
unconscious.
It was an ugly scene to walk in on, you know? Anyway, since
then, he's been making me take him EVERYWHERE, and the man just won't learn
to lean in on the turns.
I got the side-car after we wiped out on that turn
up on Coldwater Canyon.
I just can't do the leaning-in for both of us while
he's still got that Spaghetti-O weight on, man.
Weight Watchers is NEXT!"
SP "O, geez, here they come -- I'd better go."
N "Nah.... don't split, man! We still have some business to do. Besides,
this'll be a good way to see if the anger management classes are working,
you know?"
JON CAIN and HERBIE walk up to NEAL and STEVE... HERBIE is irate, and JON's
got a bloody nose....
HERBIE: "Don't tell me... STEVE PERRY... a name that's been \\$%#&ing coming
in and out of my life since the beginning of time.
What the hell are YOU
doing HERE? *smacks JON's arm* And for %&#%'s sake, will you STOP sobbing! I
only smacked you cuz I was mad!
Did you know this @*\\$#&^ got me an interview
to be SANTA %^&%\\$$ CLAUS????..... And YOU drove me here!"
N "Take a chill pill, man! I ain't the one who lost you that choice Jabba
The Hut gig, am I? NO! Say it, Herbie..."
H "Okay.... I lost that gig... I am responsible for me."
SP "Jon are you okay? I think I have some Kleenex in the Jeep..."
J "I can't be the only one doing this! This is HEAVY! I thought we were a
FAMILY!
I'll never forget this! He's deranged!!! Herbie, tell them what you
did at the job interview..."
H "I %#&\ went a little berzerk, okay????? Big %\$&#ing deal!"
J "He went off on the woman doing the interview.
You should have heard the
language, and there were KIDS there! '%&^&' this, and '%@&# that,
like he
didn't even NEED the job!
What's up with THAT? All because she said he
looked like Dom De Luise!"
N "Yeah, forgot to tell you about that... Anyway, STEVE, Jon and I asked you
to come here today to talk about maybe getting back together, man. Whatta ya
say?"
H *charging at the three of them* "Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!
*#&\\$^#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There was a scuffle. And some punches were thrown. Some VERY bad language
was used by ALL parties, and then Mall Security took Herbie away --
N "So, STEVE, wanna re-form or not?"
SP "Maybe.... let me think about it."
N "Oh no, none of that 'let me think about it' b.s., man! We'll still be
waiting next year to hear back. And, while we're at it, show me the scars!"
SP *undoing his pants, and pulling down one side to show NEAL and JON the
scars* "You mean to tell me you two had to actually SEE the scars before you
would believe me?"
N and J *nodding*
SP "Well, I guess you can both just go to hell, then! *gets in his Jeep and
drives away*
N "Well, it was worth a shot, eh man?"
J "Yeah... But now there's one less person for Herbie-duty! I AM NOT gonna
be the one to do all the work! I have taken him to his last eight Liar's
Anonymous Meetings... and every single one of his job interviews."
N "Herbie who? Huh, man? I mean, if we don't go RIGHT down and bail him out,
we can have the afternoon off!"
J "Hey, isn't that Steve over there? That sure is one petite, young-looking,
cutsie-pie he's with!"
N "Always, man. Always."
At the end of Part 2, we saw our heroes still fractured apart.
Will 3 be the
magic number for them?
Find out now on "Journey -- Behind the Message
Board", Part 3.
The scene: An undiclosed meeting-place, somewhere in California... NEAL
SCHON, JON CAIN, and ROSS VALORY are standing together, waiting for STEVE
PERRY to show up.
NEAL: "So, you think he'll show?"
JON: "Yeah, but no one asks to see the scars again, okay? That was HEAVY."
N: "He's just too sensitive, man.... Taking off like that just because we
asked to see the scars. He's always been oversensitive, basically, you
know?"
ROSS: "It sure would be nice to get us all back togeth..."
N: "So, Jon, did you make the call to Herbie?"
R: "Ahhh... hello....."
J: "Well, SOMEONE had to make the call, so I made the call. And I hated
myself for doing it. Because I didn't agree TOTALLY with the decision..."
N: "Yeah, yeah, yeah.... so what did you say to him?"
J: "I told him, Herbie, you gotta lay off the Spaghetti-O's. It's getting
bad..."
N: "And the Ding-Dongs?"
J: "Yeah..... and the Ding-Dongs, too. I felt so BAD -- He LIVES for
Ding-Dongs! It was HEAVY."
N: "Yeah, well HE's heavy, man. Did ya tell him no one likes a porky
whiner?"
R: "And he didn't mind being told he was a porky whin..."
J: "Yeah, I told him 'Herbie, either you whine and complain, or you eat. One
or the other. Neal says, and I ... kind of... mostly, but not
wholeheartedly, agree with him.' "
R: "Ahhh... hello....."
N: "Geez, Jon, I ask you to do ONE THING for me, and you can't even do THAT
right, man!"
R: *shouting* "WAIT!... Where IS Herbie now?"
J: *mumbling and looking down* "The booby hatch..."
R: "What?"
N: *loudly* "THE BOOBY HATCH, THE CASA DE CRAZY, you know... One Flew Over
the Cuckoo's Nest, man????"
J: "Yeah, and we put him there!"
R: "Over Spagetti-O's and Ding - Don...."
J: "We're all responsible... Well, there was that ugly incident last
December at the Mall while he was Santa Claus. After that kid got through
with him, he had that nervous twitch thing going in his left eye... made him
LOOK crazy, but we MADE him crazy!"
N: "Okay, here's STEVE now. Let me do the talking."
J: "Okay, but ixnay on the arscay, if you know what I mean... "
Steve gets out of his Jeep, and walks over to them. Ross starts to talk to
him, and STEVE says hello to him, and keeps walking....
R: "Ahhh... hello..... STEVE... hello... I give up!"
STEVE: "Okay, guys, what's up?"
N: "So, you wanna re-form the band?"
S: "Nice sunglasses, NEAL."
N: "Thanks, I get 'em for free! Advertising, man!!!"
S: "Uh-huh... so, you want to re-form the band?"
N: "Yeah"
S: "And, you want me to front the band?"
N: "Yeah"
S: "Anything else?"
N: "Well, sort of... but it's tiny... miniscule, man."
S: "Okay, WHAT???"
N: "Jon, you tell him..."
J: "Okay, but I DO NOT agree with this wholeheartedly.... *looks dow and
mumbles* Read leather pants... and, and... a perm..."
S: "RED LEATHER PANTS AND A PERM?"
N: "Yeah, man, but it's not what you think... We have this great idea for
the band... WAIT! No perm!.... *looking at Jon all excited*.."
J: "Yeah, yeah... I see where you're going... it'll be like he's Augeri
WITHOUT the perm! Do you think we can get him to cover 'Higher Place'?"
S: "And you wonder WHY I never feel like I'm part of the band???" *And he
turns around and stomps off*
J: "Geez, what's up with THAT? It's always been pro-Steve!" This is heavy...
I'll Never forget this!"
N: "He's so damned sensitive! You can't say nothin' to the guy!"
Neal and Jon get into Jon's car and drive off leaving Ross standing there...
R: "Ahhh... hello..... Guys!.... don't leave me here....
hellooooooo!!!!!!!!"
In Part 3, we saw our heroes fail to reunite yet again. But, while all this
was happening, another part of the story was taking place in a Mental Health
Facility not far from the the place where that meeting took place.
The setting is the CASA de CRAZY, Room 911. It's there we find Herbie,
sleeping off what he insists is his last meal of Spaghetti-O's and
Ding-Dongs before starting Weight Watchers in the morning. He opens his
eyes, and finds four guys standing around his bed. He looks at them, one
right after the other. They are all smiling expectedly at him...
Herbie: *alarmed* "What happened? Where am I? WHO ARE YOU?"
Davey: "You fell asleep..."
Peter: "After eating all those Spaghetti-O's... AND Ding-Dongs..."
Mike: "You're here -- with us!"
All Four, in unison: "Hey, hey, we're the Monkee's..."
H: "The Monkees!?!"
Mickey: "You're a real laugh-riot, Herbie... Like our own manager wouldn't
remember us!"
H: "I'm your manager?"
Davey: "That's right. Remember? We put all our differences behind us, and
we're doing a Reunion Tour!"
H: "REUNION TOUR!?!" *screams and covers his eyes*
When he uncovers his eyes, The Monkees are gone. For a moment, he's
relieved. Then, he hears someone speaking....
The Voice: "Herbie..."
H: *looking around* "Yeah?"
The Voice: "May I assume you don't want to manage The Monkees on their
reunion tour?"
H: "You got that \\$#%$&ing right!!!"
The Voice: "Herbie, your language!..."
H: "Sorry... Say! Your voice sounds familiar. Sounds like avoice that's been
coming in and out of my life since the beginning of time *rolls his
eyes*.... If I didn't know better, I'd think you were STEVE PERRY!..."
The Voice: "That's right, Herbie...."
H: "Oh... NOOOOOOOOO!!! Of all the voices I have to hear in this place, I
hear YOURS!"
The Voice: "That's right, Herbie.... But, I'm here to tell you that you have
2 choices. You can do that Monkees Reunion Tour...."
H: "Or.... what????"
The Voice: "I'll get back to you, Herbie. Let's just say, for now, no more
Spaghetti-O's or Ding-Dings -- AND no more foul language... when you've
proved you can handle THAT, I'll tell you your second choice. Until then,
I'll just pop in and out to check on you..."
H: "But, why me? --- Why YOU????"
The Voice: "Now, you don't REALLY want a lecture on Karma, and it's effects
on human existence, do you, Herbie?"
H: "NO! ... but, I really don't want YOUR voice talking to me either!
Couldn't I have NEAL in my head?... or Ross? ... or J.., no, not Jon....
but, ..."
The Voice: "Tough luck...Talk to you later, Herbie, and remember... I'LL BE
BACK!"
The nurse walks in. They heard Herbie scream all the way THROUGH the padded
walls od his room, right to the nurses' station.
Nurse Ratchett: "Mr. Herbert! What seems to be the problem?"
H: "I... need... meds..."
Nurse Ratchett: "If I give you a shot, will you stop making all that noise,
Mr. Herbert?
H: "Yes!"
Nurse Ratchett: "Very well, then, roll over..."
The pinch of the needle was the last thing Herbie would remember, until.....
In Part 4, we saw Herbie enjoying a stay at the Casa de Crazy. It was then
he heard The Voice. But, since receiving some electro shock treatments and a
few shots of "very strong medication", he hasn't heard The Voice. As always,
we are all wondering... will The Voice ever return? Journey has been invited
to play a celebrity game of Rock & Roll Jeopardy, but after Ross went
catatonic during a practice round, neither Deen nor Steve Augeri would step
in. So, they asked Herbie to go on with them. This is what happened that day
as the tape rolled:
Host: "Okay... before we go on to the final round, I want to introduce our
contestants, and find out what charity they are playing for. Our first
panelist is Neal Schon, lead guitar for Journey. Neal, welcome! Who are you
playing for tonight?..."
Neal: "Hey, man, good to be here! My charity is the Starbright Foundation of
San Francisco. It's a community-based charity to aid a wide range of
organizations in the Bay area."
Host: "Thanks Neal. Our next contestant is Jonathan Cain, keyboardist for
Journey. Welcome, Jon! Who are you playing for tonight?"
Jon: "Hi! Thank you. I'm playing for the National Cystic Fibrosis
Association. It helps with outreach and education about the disease, as well
as funds for research."
Host: "That's great! Our last contestant is Herbie Herbert, legendary former
manager for Journey. Herbie, don't hurt me! (laughs) ... who are you playing
for tonight?"
Herbie: "Hi, hi, hi.... very funny *under his breath* you stupid little
git... I'm playing for the only charity I care about -- The Herbie Herbert
Good Life Foundation. It's a charity for me, me, me, man! So, suck that up!"
Host: "Ah.... okay. Let's play Final Jeopardy! After a bruising first round,
we find Herbie Herbert in the lead, with Neal a far second, and Jon is still
trying to find the buzzer. So, Jon, the first choice is yours!"
Jon *looking at the board to read the catagories* (The audience gasps as the
catagories are revealed): "What the... is this right? What's up with THIS?"
Neal: "Hey, man! What's is THIS?"
Herbie: "Oh, geez.... in and out of my life since the beginning of time...
%*#^\\$%#(@(#$&$%#&$*$($&#^@..."
Host: "Herbie, I must caution you, we are on television..."
Herbie: "So, %^#*\\$^%#%ing bleep me, then!"
Host: "Here are the catagories -- STEVE PERRY, STEVE PERRY, STEVE PERRY,
STEVE PERRY, STEVE PERRY, STEVE PERRY, and STEVE PERRY."
Neal, Jon, and Herbie (in unison) *groan, grumble, groan*
Host: "Only kidding! Would WE do THAT to YOU???"
(Jon has to physically restrain Herbie from jumping the podium. Herbie
smacks his head, then bites his wrist...)
Host: "Now, now, Herbie.... Leave Jonathan alone there."
Jon: "THANK YOU! *looking at Neal* At least SOMEONE cares if the guy's
beating up on me..."
Neal: "Look, man, you lost the coin-toss. You have to stand next to him, so
take it like a man, for cryin' out loud... Don't be a wuss your whole life!"
Host: "Okay, fellas, let's move on! Here are the REAL catagories... WHO AM
I?, POWER BALLADS, JOURNEY, YEAR BY YEAR, NICKNAMES, JESTURES, and LEAD
SINGERS... Jonathan Cain, you get first pick..."
Jon: "Okay, I'll take LEAD SINGERS for \..."
Host: "Sang lead on 'Open Arms'... and remember to keep your answers in the
form of a question.... (buzz).... Okay, Jonathan Cain! See you found the
buzzer after all..."
Jon: "Who is STEVE PERRY???"
Host: "Correct!... you control the board..."
Jon: "Okay... LEAD SINGERS for \..."
Host: "Sang lead on 'Wheel in the Sky'... (buzz) Jon, you beat the others
out again."
Jon: "Beat the others out? They never even buzzed! *turns to Neal, then to
Herbie* So, guys, are we playing or WHAT? *both shrug, and look away* ...
Okay... Who is STEVE PERRY?..."
Host: "Right again! You still control the board!..."
Neal: "Pick another category or die, man..."
Jon: "Okay, I'll take WHO AM I? for \..."
Host: "This is a visual clue... I'll show you a picture, and phrasing your
answer as I question, you tell me who it is...."
(Picture of STEVE PERRY... )
(no buzz, just grumbling...)
Host: "Anyone? .... (clang).... that was STEVE PERRY! Jonathan, you still
control the board...."
Jon: "Okay, I'll take JESTURES for \.... *turns to Neal, then to Herbie*
... This can't be about him, right?"
(Neal and Herbie shrug)
Host: "Lead singer for Journey whose signature jesture was pointing to
puntuate a lyric..."
Herbie: "Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Jumps over the
podium and tackles the host, starting to beat on him immediately... Jon and
Neal run over and pull him off, and as they do he turns to the camera and
makes an obscene gesture. (There, America! That's MY jesture for \
%&#\\$&$($##*@^%#ing bucks!"
Neal: (still trying to help Jon control Herbie, mostly grabbing his hands to
avoid any further jesturing...) "Herbie, man, this is embarrassing. Stop
it!"
Jon: "This is HEAVY, Herbie. I thought the anger management classes worker
there for a while. Stop!"
(Herbie breaks away, and charges at the Host again, but Jon and Neal tackle
him before he gets to him. They both sit on top of him as the cameras go to
black...)
(Herbie sits bolt upright in bed, covered with sweat. He pinches himself to
make sure he's awake. He is.)
Herbie: "It was only a bad dream! That's what my life is now... one long
STEVE PERRY nightmare!..... But, I'm here... in my own place... (goes to the
refrigerator and gets a beer. Then he sits down in front of the TV, and
flips it on. Rock and Roll Jeopardy is on.) Ha! Let's see some REAL
questions!"
Host on the TV: "This is an AUDIO clue. I'll play a bit of the song, and you
tell me, in the form of a question, who is singing...."
('Oh, Sherrie' starts to play...)
Contestant on TV: "Who is STEVE PERRY?"
Herbie: "Aaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Later on that night, in the parking lot of the Casa de Crazy, Jon finds Neal
waiting for him when he gets there....
Jon: "So, what happened? The police call me in the middle of the night
saying Herbie was in his house with a shotgun and was destroying every
television in the place?"
Neal: "Yeah, man, they called me, too.... he popped a big one this time...
claims the TV's had it in for him. Says they were trying to drive him
crazy... I told him it was a pretty short drive, you know? Geez.... he was
raving like a lunatic, man!"
Jon: "Maybe we just sprung him from this place too soon. This is HEAVY!"
Neal: "Look, when we go in, the doctors said we are NOT to mention Steve to
him. For some reason, just his name sets Herbie off right now. Okay?"
Jon: "Gotcha... ixnay on the evie-stay...."
Neal: "And knock off the Pig Latin, man... One looney at a time is about all
I can take, you know?"
(Walking toward the Casa....)
Jon: "You know, you put me down a lot... Pig Latin is an acceptable form of
linguistic obfiscation...."
Neal: "Hey, man, obfiscate THIS! No whining at me while we're here to see
Herbie, okay, man?"
Meanwhile, back in Herbie's room, Nurse Ratchett gives Herbie a shot to calm
him, and leaves the room. He feels himself getting drowsy, but pulls against
the restrains used to tie him to the bed... It's then that he hears someone
talking....
The Voice: "Herbie.... Herbie...."
Herbie: "Oh, NO! Not YOU!"
The Voice: "Yes, Herbie, it's me. It's time you and I had a talk,
Herbie...."
Herbie: *screaming so loud he could be heard down at the nurses' station*
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't hear this voice!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
(Neal and Jon hear him and rush down the hall to the room...)
Neal: "Herbie, ssssssssshhhhh......, man. They're gonna think you're as
crazy as we KNOW you are, and you'll never get out of here....!"
Jon: "Herb, what's up?"
Herbie tells them about The Voice.... how it speaks to him... how it's in
his head all the time... about Rock & Roll Jeopardy, and how it's out to
drive him mad... Then, mid-rant, the meds kick in and he goes out like a
light...
(Neal and Jon look at each other, and head on out of the room, and down the
hall to the front door...)
Neal: "He's nuttier than a fruitcake, man... off the deep end, for sure!"
Jon: "Yeah, good thing we didn't tell him we're gonna try to get Steve to do
a Reunion Tour behind ESSENTAL JOURNEY. Maybe next time, if he's calmer..."
Neal: "And saner, man. But, I think we shouldn't tell him ANYTHING till we
get with Steve, and make sure he's gonna do the tour, you know...."
Jon: "Okay... ixnay on the our-tay.."
Neal: "Shut up, Jon!"
Jon: "Ooooookay....."
While at the Casa de Crazy, Herbie has regular appointments with the staff
psychiatrist, Dr. Helper. Today he has a dream to share with the doctor.
What could the interpretaion be?.......
Dr. Helper: "Good morning, Herbie. Did you have a good night's sleep?"
Herbie: "What do you have them give me at bedtime around here, anyway? Bad
enough I'm hearing voices while I'm awake.... but, last night, I had a dream
that was OUT THERE, you know?"
Dr. H: "No, Herbie, I don't know... why don't you tell me about it?"
Herbie: "Are you sure? Only real losers pay attention to dreams!"
Dr. H: "Well, Herbie, I believe that dreams are the key to our subconscious.
I find they often provide real keys to our core issues...."
H: "I HATE the way you guys talk! 'Core Issues', this and 'Inner Child'
that... It's all WIMP STUFF! You know what I'd do to my inner child if I
ever found it? I'd smack it from here to Sunday, and tell it to wise the
&%\\$(#* up!"
Dr. H: "Now, Herbie.... Let's not go there again today. I know what you
think about such things, but I assure you, you need to pay attention to
those things for any real progress to be made.... And you DO want to get out
of here, don't you?"
H: "Yeeeaaahhhh......"
Dr. H: "Well, good, then. So, tell me about your dream. We'll talk about The
Voice in your head after that.... Did The Voice have anything to say about
your dream?"
H: "It laughed so loud it woke me up!...."
Dr. H: "Hmmmm..... well, okay. Start with the dream, then...."
H: "I dreamed I woke up and I was in Star Wars, and so were a lot of people
in my life.... they were all playing part, like we were in the movie..."
Dr. H: *nodding* "Go on, Herbie... no detail is too small..."
H: "Neal was Han Solo, Jon was Chubakka -- except instead of talking
'Wookie', he talked pig latin.... drove Neal crazy...."
Dr. H: "Go on.... Can you remember any other characters?"
H: "Yeah... Ross was C3PO, and Smitty was R2D2... But, Ross could only say
'Uh... hellloooo?' every time Smitty beeped at him, and Princess Leia drove
him speechless..."
Dr. H: "Princess Leia... who was Princess Leia, Herbie?" *raising his
eyebrows at Herbie*
H: "What are you looking at me like THAT for? Oh, I get it! Well, you can
put the notebook down! It was my Mother, and it sure as *&%\\$# wasn't ME! So,
you can just forget what you were just thinking, you pervert!"
Dr. H: "I wasn't thinking ANYTHING, Herbie, and let's not get into personal
attacks... So, tell me, who was Princess Leia, then?"
Herbie: *looking pretty pleased with himself* "....Pamela Anderson..."
Dr. H "PAMELA ANDERSON?"
Herbie: "HEY! You have YOUR dreams, and I'll have MINE... okay?"
Dr. H: "Okay, go on.... anyone else? Was there a Luke Skywalker?"
Herbie: "Yes." *rolling his eyes*
Dr. H: "Were YOU Luke Skywalker, Herbie?"
Herbie: "No I wasn't, you pain in the &^\\$%! I was actually Darth Vader! I
walked around all 'Alpha Male' and terrifying.... I LIKED it!..."
Dr. H: "So, Herbie, was HE Luke Skywalker?"
Herbie: "Yeeesssss..... HE was!"
Dr. H: "Say his name, Herbie.... it'll make you feel better. Avoidance can
block you..."
Herbie: "Okay, okay, okay! STEVE PERRY was Luke Skywalker! -- There! Are you
happy????"
Dr. H: "I don't know, Herbie. Are YOU happy?"
Herbie: "You smug, self-satisfied little....."
Dr. H: "Now, Herbie... no personal attacks... please go on... You were Darth
Vader, and STEVE PERRY was Luke Skywalker.... do you see any significance
there? Wasn't Darth Vader Luke's father?"
Herbie: "Oh... NO YOU DON'T! I'll smack you silly if you even TRY to go
there!..."
Dr. H: "Okay, Herbie.... then maybe you will see the significance in Darth
Vader being the embodiment of evil, and Luke the embodiment of goodness...?"
Herbie: "I think, if you want to see your next birthday, your
&%\\$^#%$*&$%#^$, you better shut the &*$^% up and let me ^*$#^$&#%ing tell my
OWN *\\$&#^@%#* dream..."
Dr. H: "Okay, Herbie, I was simply trying to facilitate..."
Herbie: "Well, facilitate THIS! It's MY dream!.... and I'll tell it the way
I want!... Like I said, Neal was Hana Solo, and he rode around on the
Millenium Harley... Sometimes I rode with him, but only in the sidecar,
'cause I was lousy at leaning into the curve -- plus I was MASSIVE, you
know?"
Dr. H: "Han Solo riding around with Darth Vader..... what do you make of
THAT, Herbie?"
Herbie: "I dunno.... maybe I turned him to The Dark Side! But, after being
with ME, he wasn't taking Luke Skywalker ANYWHERE! ... told him to get lost,
and even turned Chubakkah against him!"
Dr. H: "Uh-huh.... go on... What about Princess Leia? Were you able to turn
HER to The Dark Side, too?"
Herbie: "Well, she was MINE, you know.... she knew a REAL man when she saw
one! So, she kind of was ALREADY on The Dark Side, if you get my drift....."
Dr. H: "Okay, go on... do you get any insight from THAT, then?"
Herbie: *looking hopefully at the doctor* "Well, maybe my sunconscious inner
child is a super-masculine babe-magnet?"
Dr. H: "I don't think so, Herbie!"
Herbie: "Says YOU!........ It's my dream, so THAT'S what it MEANS!"
Dr. H: "Whatever you say, Herbie... Let's get back to your relationship with
Luke Skywalker..."
Herbie: "I always wanted to smack the little creep when I saw him... always
walking around like he was there to save the day, or something!... ugh! I
couldn't STAND him!"
Dr. H: "So, if you were all on The Dark Side AGAINST Luke, did he have ANY
allies?"
Herbie: "Yeah... and they were creeps just like him! There was Yoda and
Obi-Wan Kanobi..."
Dr. H: "And, did you recognize either of THEM, Herbie?"
Herbie: "Yeah... Obi-Wan was John Kolodner, and Yoda was Irving Azoff..."
Dr. H: "Do I know them? Have we talked about them before?"
Herbie: "Nah... Let's just say they come from Planet Sony.... And they LOVE
the little &*\\$^er, Luke. They really BELIEVE he's there to save the day!
---- he really has 'em cowed, you know? It's a conspiracy...."
Dr. H: "A CONSPIRACY! Now we're getting somewhere! Tell me about THAT!"
Herbie: "You went to medical school --- YOU figure it out!"
Dr. H: "Okay, let's move on, then.... what happens next?"
Herbie: "Pamela, I mean Leia, comes in and comes on to me... You know, she
was all like 'Oooooohhhh, Darth, you're SUCH a MAN', and stuff like that.
so, what was I to do... I got all amorous.... ANd THAT'S when I heard him
laughing!"
Dr. H: "Him? WHO is HIM, Herbie?"
Herbie: "The Voice..."
Dr. H: "The Voice was laughing at you?"
Herbie: "I can't believe you got into college, let alone medical school,
with a brain like THAT! Aren't you paying attention? YES, THE VOICE WAS
LAUGHING AT ME! --- Really LOUD! So loud it woke me up...."
Dr. H: "Did The Voice say anything to you once you were awake?"
Herbie: "Yeah, it said... 'May the Force be with you, Herbie'... and then it
kept laughing!"
Dr. H: "Well, our time is up for today... I think this is a good place to
stop. We'll pick up next time from here, okay? --- So, see you tomorrow,
same time, Herbie."
Herbie: "That IT? No, 'THIS means THAT' or ANYTHING? What are you PAID FOR?"
Dr. H: "We'll go into that next time.... In the meantime, keep taking your
meds, and record any other dreams you might have...."
Herbie leaves the office after offering the doctor a rather choice
hand-gesture, and starts down the hall to his room, when he hears .....
The Voice: "Herbie..... PAMELA ANDERSON?"
Herbie: "Oh, SHUT UP!...."
The Voice: *laughing, and laughing, and laughing*
Continue on
.
