Stella's--Behind The Message Board.
Stella's Story Continued!
" Again Thanks a million Stella"
Doctor's Log
Doctor's Name: Dr. Wayne Helper, M.D.
Date: 9/25/01
Location: Casa de Crazy, Family Therapy Room #911
Name of Patient: Herbert "Herbie" Herbert
In Attendance: Neal Schon, Jon Cain, Ross Vallory, Steve "Smitty" Smith
State of Patient's Health: Still mentally unbalanced. Claims to hear a voice
talking to him. Has given this voice a name -- "The Voice". Has unexplained
rages, and moments of delusion. Had an accident right before this meeting in
his bathroom. Claims there was a Steve Perry song on the radio, and he tried
to turn it off from his bathtub, slipping in the process, and pulling the
radio into the tub with him, thereby receiving a moderate to heavy
electrical shock. Since then, he is claiming to SEE "The Voice" at times
now, as well. I do not know if his account of the "accident" is factual, as
nearly nothing he says ever is, and see this as a possible failed suicide
attempt. It will, at least, save us the trouble of giving him ECT (Electro
Convulsive Therapy) that had been planned for next week.
Transcript of the Meeting:
Dr. Helper: "So, I see we are still waiting for one person to show up...
Herbie, did you and Jon call Steve Perry, and ask him to be here today as I
asked you to do?"
Herbie: *looking righteous* "Yes we did. We left a message on his machine!"
Jon: "But, I don't think he's coming..."
Dr. H: "Why do you say that?"
Herbie: "Because the little creep couldn't be bothered, that's why..."
Jon: "Herbie, since this IS therapy, I think we should tell the truth here,
don't you? *looking at the doctor* Steve probably won't come because of the
message Herbie left..."
Dr. H: "Herbie... didn't we write out what we were going to say beforehand?
I okayed that draft myself. It was a good start. Did you read it as you
wrote it, Herbie?"
Herbie: "I read what I wrote..."
Jon: "I was THERE, Herbie... Sure, you read what you wrote AFTER you said
'Hey, you #&\$%#&ing a**hole'. You know Steve... He'd have enough trouble
showing up for this thing if you were NICE about it, but..."
Neal: "You called him '#&\$%#&ing a**hole'? ....Doc, I guarantee it -- he
ain't coming!"
Dr. H: "Jon, I thought you told me you could handle this part of your
assignment -- to help Herbie make that call! You said you made ALL the calls
in this band, for goodness sake! And you couldn't control him at all?"
Jon: "Doc, did YOU ever try to control him? It's like trying to control a
runaway train! It was HEAVY. I'll never forget it!"
Herbie: *looking at Jon* "You insipid little whiner! Whatta ya gonna do now,
CRY?... Oh, this oughtta do me a HEAP of good! Who's *&\$^#%*ing lamebrain
idea WAS this, anyway?"
Ross: "Uh... Herbie.... Uh... maybe we should uh listen uh..."
Herbie: "Well, doc, now you hear what I have to put up with every day from
these guys... *mockingly* 'Uh... Herbie.... Uh... maybe we should uh listen
uh...' -- that's Ross "One Too Many Ludes in the 70's" Vallory coming to you
from Planet Duh! *looking at Ross* Hey, Ross! Your village called and they
want their idiot back!"
Ross: "Uh... Herbie.... Uh... no need to get NASTY at ME! I just came today
to HELP you!"
Dr. H: "Herbie, we agreed, if we fight, we fight FAIR! Tell Ross you're
sorry for saying those things to him!"
Herbie: *looking at Ross* "Soooorrrryyy, Lude-boy, didn't mean to hurt your
precious little feelings!"
Ross: *looking bewildered* "Uh, thanks, I think... Doc, would you call that
an apology? I mean... *trying to get my attention, but I ignored him* Uh,
hellllooooo.... "
Dr. H: "Let's move on... Does anyone have something else they'd like to
confront Herbie about?"
Jon: "Herbie, sometimes you say the cruelest things... not only to me, but
to others, too. Maybe Steve Perry would still be with us if you'd been a
little nicer to him, you know?"
Neal: "Oh, SHUT UP about that, will you??? One comedian makes ONE CRUDDY
JOKE us on SNL, and you just go to pieces, man! It was A JOKE!"
Jon: "He called us 'The Artists Formerly Known as Journey', for cripes sake!
That never would have happened if Steve Perry was still with the band, and
he's gone because of Herbie!"
Neal: "He's GONE because he didn't want to work!.... He could have hobbled
around on crutches after having his hip replaced! They would have given him
pain meds and everything! Whatta ya gonna do with a guy that just won't
work?"
Ross: "Pain meds, huh? Really? That's...."
Herbie: *looking at Jon* "Okay, so he's gone because of me, huh? What if I
told you he talks to me every day... and he's STANDING right behind you
now?"
Doctor's Note: We all turned and looked, and we saw nothing and we heard
only Herbie's side of the following conversation:
Herbie: *looking at an empty seat in my office* "So, why don't you just let
them know you're here? You're not bashful with me!"
The Voice: "Hi, Herbie... Yeah, I'm here, allright. But, YOU are the only
one that can see me. The shock you got from that little bathtub accident
really opened up your senses... Now, you can actually SEE me from time to
time! Sounds like Karma Resolution to me!..."
Herbie: "You've been coming in and out of my life since the beginning of
time! *rolling his eyes* Can't you just leave me alone now?"
The Voice: "Herbie.... no way! This is just TOO GOOD."
Herbie: "You are a miserable little sadistic creep! I don't want you in my
head anymore... and I REALLY don't want you in fronta my face! Go away! GO
AWAY! *falling to the floor*
Aaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Doctor's Note: We all got him off the floor, and calmed him. The meeting
then proceeded this way:
Dr. H: "Would you like to tell these good friends of yours who you were just
talking to?.."
Herbie: "NO! NO! And you can't MAKE me!"
Dr. H: *to all the guys* "Fellas, you want Herbie to tell you, don't you?
So, tell them Herbie, and SAY HIS NAME!"
Herbie: "STEVE PERRY!!!!! 'The Voice' is STEVE PERRY! Okay?"
Jon: "Whoa, that's HEAVY!"
Neal: "It ain't HEAVY, it's CRAZY! Herbie YOU'RE CRAZY, and I've had just
about enough of all this feel-good do-gooding -- I'm outta here, man!" *gets
up to go* "Anyone else coming with me? .... ROSS???"
Ross: "Huh?"
Neal: "Oh, that's RICH! Aren't you all tired of this CRAZY-AS-A- LOON
routine? There's only one kinda help you need, Herbie!"
Herbie: "And what is THAT, Einstein?"
Neal: "I got two words for you... JENNY CRAIG, man!"
Jon: "I thought we were FAMILY!"
Everyone else: "SHUT UP, JON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Doctor's Note: The meeting degenerated into name-calling and blaming. All in
all, I would say this effort at Family Therapy has failed. They ALL seem to
be angry and unfocused. Perhaps, it would have been different with the
presence of Steve Perry. Then again, perhaps not.... I wonder if we'll ever
find out?
In, Part 7, we witnessed Family Therapy-gone-wrong with Herbie and the guys.
Dr. Helper was explicit in his opiion that it had failed miserably... So,
now what? Will Herbie continue to see 'The Voice', or will he find salvation
with Jenny Craig? Will the guys continue to see Herbie, or will they just
sit around waiting for Smitty to say something? Can there ever be success
for The Artists Formerly Known as Journey? Maybe we are about to find
out....
(In the Parking Lot of the Casa de Crazy, after the Family Therapy session)
Jon: *answering his cell phone* "Yes, speaking.... Really? When would you
need to see us? Now? -- Can you hold on, I'll ask the others... they're
right here with me... just a sec... *covers the phone with his hand and
whispers to the others* -- It's Miramax Studios! They want to a movie about
us! They want us to come over and take a meeting with them so they can pitch
us 'The Journey Story'!!!"
Neal: "Yes! We'll all go over right now.... right, guys?????"
Smitty: *nods*
Ross: "Huh?"
Jon: *answering the person on the phone* "Yes! We're on our way over RIGHT
NOW."
In the car, on the way over, they have a lot to talk about....
Jon: "This could be our new start! I thought we'd NEVER get a chance like
this again!"
Neal: "I did! Never doubted it for a minute, man. We are the real deal!"
Jon: "Hey! Do you think they'll let us play ourselves, or do you think
they'll get big stars to play us? I think Brad Pitt looks kind of like me,
don't you? Who do you want to play you, Neal?"
Neal: "I dunno... I don't care, really... as long as they let us do the
music, man!"
Jon: "Well, I think Ben Affleck should do you. Who do you think should do
Ross?"
Neal: "Ross, who do you think should do you, man?"
Ross: "Huh?"
Neal: "Just what I thought.... Goofy should play you!"
They all laugh.
Jon: "Who do you think they'll get to play Steve Perry?"
Neal: "I dunno.... Ricki Lake?"
They all laugh again. And As they pull into the Miramax Studio parking
lot...
Jon: "I'm so excited! Remember, everybody be as charming and agreeable as
you can be! We want them to know they can work with us!"
Neal: "Even I may kiss some a** at THIS meeting, man!"
They go in, and ask to see Shane Brody, as they were told. The secretary
sends them into Shane's office...
Shane: "Hey! Nice to see you.... Let me introduce you to my team -- this is
Saul, Ethan, and Nicole -- Everyone -- this is Neal Schon, Jon Cain, Steve
Smith, and Ross Vallory... Guys, have a seat... we're all waiting for Steve
Perry to join us. Can I get you guys something while we wait? Mineral water?
Anything?"
Jon: *looking at the others* "No, no... I think we're all fine.... Right
guys?"
Neal: "So, did Steve Perry say he'd definitely be here?"
Shane: "Oh, yeah... We talked to him last night. Wanted to make sure he was
on board! ....... Tell you what, why don't we bat a few ideas at ya while
we're waiting? ....See if any of them GET you...."
Nicole: "We've come up with a 2-prong approach... we have one scenario for a
movie if Steve Perry DOES decide to do the project. It would be a
spectacular documentary-style movie about your Reunion Tour. It would
feature a full soundtrack of both new and classic material -- all written
and recorded by you. The studio would release the sound-track along with the
movie. There is tremendous potential..."
Neal: *cutting Nicole off* "And what if he DOESN'T want to do the project?"
Ethan: "Well, that's where the second prong of the strategy comes in! It was
my idea! --- We get Spinal Tap to play Journey!"
Jon and Neal (in unison): "SPINAL TAP?"
Ethan: "EXACTLY! They have agreed to cover some of your original songs --
but with different lyrics.... 'Open Arms' would be, say, 'Open Harm'
*singing badly* 'So now I come at you with open harrrrm, nowhere to hide...'
--- Whatta ya think?"
Jon: "That was written as a LOVE song!"
Ethan: "I know, I know!!! It'll be satire! The audience will love it! --
There's only two things you'll have to agree to..."
Neal: "And, those two things are???..."
Ethan: "In this satire, we would want to call the band 'The Artists Formerly
Known as Journey' -- I DIED when I heard that on SNL last week! -- and the
second would be for you to do a cover of Spinal Tap's 'Big Bottom' -- you
know -- *singing again* 'Big bottom, big bottom, talk about bum cakes... my
girls got 'em... Big bottoms drive me out of my mind... how can I leave this
behiiiiind???' -- That song. We'll want to use it as the theme song for the
movie!"
Neal: "NO WAY! Over my dead body, man!"
Jon: "I gotta say, I agree with him on this 100%!"
Saul: "Then you better hope and pray Steve Perry will do the project.
Without him, we go with The Spinal Tap thing. I ain't putting my money into
anything but a SURE SHOT!"
Meanwhile, Steve Perry pulls into the Parking Lot. He still hasn't decided
if he eve WANTS to go in. Will he go in? Will he do the project? Will 'The
Artists Formerly Known as Journey' cover "Big Bottom"? Stay tuned!......
NEWS BULLETIN
Caught in a daring daylight attempt to break out of The Casa de Crazy was
one-time manager for JOURNEY, Herbie "The Liar" Herbert, a/k/a "The Mouth",
a/k/a "Big Daddy". Taken into custody for aiding and abetting the break-out
attempt were Gregg "Black Magic" Rollie, Kevin "Wild Child" Chalafant, and
Aynsley "Pampers and Platforms" Dunbar.
As spokesman for the group, "Wild Child" Chalafant had this to say about
Herbie: "Herbie Herbert is a class act, no matter how wild and/or aggressive
he may appear to be in print form. Herbie is a 'get it done' kind of person,
much like a pro football coach. Not always the most popular man, but he is
usually right when it comes to winning a game." When asked why he and the
others agreed to Herbie's plan for a break-out, he had this to say: "He is a
hard man to win an argument with, because he does his homework thoroughly
and comes prepared... we thought it was a good plan. In Herbie's
world.BIGGER IS BETTER!". He then said he understood why Herbie would want
to break out, "Herbie is misunderstood. I believe that he was crushed and
became a bit angry, and with good reason. He isn't a dirty rat bastard like
he has been made out to be, but more like a cornered rat fighting way out of
the corner that he got pushed into", but did not elaborate further. He also
said he could not speak for the others, but all he asked for payment for his
help was "A warm platter of cheesburgers". His most telling comment,
however, came when asked what his favorite memory of Herbie was. To this, he
said, "Herbie was like a father to me ... He would take me for walks along
the bay and plant visions in my mind." He also recommended the movie "Mutiny
on the Bounty" highly, and thought everyone should see it. Last seen he was
being taken away while mumbling something about recording artists never
being trapped in the bowels of ships, playing shuffleboard on deck while
sipping cool drinks, and having super tailgate parties.
Asked why he wanted out of the beautiful Casa de Crazy, Herbie had this to
say: "A voice told me to do it. Actually, it was The Voice. He told me that
he and the rest of Journey might make a movie deal, and do a Reunion Tour. I
can't let that happen! Not without being in on the deal... They owe me, and
they owe me big! I gave them everything, and what do they do for me? They
stick me in this place for crazy people... AND I'M NOT CRAZY!!!" Pressed
further on this "voice", all Herbie said was "STEVE
PERRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as he was sedated and returned to
the hospital for further treatment.
Meanwhile, across town, in the parking lot of Miramax Studios, we caught up
with Steve Perry, former lead singer for Journey. We informed him that a
break-out attempt had been made, and that Herbie implicated him as The Voice
who told him to do it. Steve had this to say about Herbie's accusation:
"Herbie is a very disturbed person, and has fixated on me, for some reason.
I hope he is safe and getting the help he needs to get better." Asked why he
was at Miramax, he confirmed Herbie's news about a possible movie deal and
Reunion Tour, but said he hadn't decided whether or not to even go into the
building, and hear the pitch. Last seen, he was still standing in the
parking lot, staring at the building.
And, here we find STEVE PERRY standing in the Miramax Studio parking lot,
still looking up at the building where he was supposed to be 10 minutes ago.
It was never even a thought in his mind that he would star in a motion
picture. And, what about the guys? Would they want to do a project like
this? A lot of water had passed under the bridge. He wasn't sure they could
even work together again... what to do? ... what to do?
(He takes a deep breath, and heads inside... Asks for Shane Brody's office,
and is directed on in. There they are.. his former band-mates. They don't
look happy....)
Shane: "STEVE PERRY! *shaking hands* -- A pleasure!"
Steve P.: "Thank you, glad to be here..." *looks at the guys, and holds out
his hand, and says hello, and shakes each hand, and sits down*
Shane: "Can I get you anything... Champagne? A little something to eat? A
date? .... anything!...?"
Steve P.: "No, thanks, I'm fine... a DATE?"
Shane: "You just name it, and it's yours, buddy! Can I have someone wash
your car while you're here?"
Jon: "Geez..... All we got offered was mineral water..."
Shane: "Riiiggghhhhtttt...."
Steve P.: "No, thanks... really."
Shane: "So, Steve, we are going to present you and the guys with a set of
options, and see if any of those options takes off. Okay?"
Steve P.: *looking at the guys, then looking back* "Okay..."
Nicole: *walking up, and holding out her hand -- Steve stands up, and shakes
it, then sits down* "Hi, I'm Nicole... *flustered* I've always wanted to
meet you. I love your voice...."
Steve P.: "Thanks..."
Neal: *rolling his eyes* "Can we just move this along, please?"
Nicole: "Well, as I told the others already, but in far less detail, our
first option is to make a Reunion Concert movie.... a sort of 'Rattle and
Hum' meets 'The Last Dance' meets 'Rock Star'.... YOU would be the star... I
mean YOU and JOURNEY would be the stars... yeah, that's what I mean. And
there would be an original sountrack to be written by YOU, oh.... and the
band, of course. And we would put out a Soundtrack CD, that you would tour
for real in back of, and *turning to Shane* have I forgotten anything?
*giggling* I'm just a bit unfocused right now...."
Shane: "Steve, what do you think of what Nicole just said? I'm not sure if
she left anything out as much as just muddled the presentation... do you
have any questions?" *looking superior and glancing at Nicole*
SteveP.: "Well, I think the main thing that has to be settled is will
Journey and I be able to reunite, and tour successfully again after all
these years, and after all that has passd between us. I think this whole
Idea is moot until that is decided, don't you?"
Saul: "Not necessarily. I'm the money guy here, and I say if you and those
golden pipes of yours are ready to go, I don't care if they want to tour
with you again or not.... I'll BUY you a new band, and call THEM Journey, if
that's what it takes to ink the deal! I don't frankly CARE who else is on
board!"
Steve P.: *looking horrified* "WELL, I DO! *looking at the other guys* These
guys and I ARE Journey. If you are going to do a project about Journey we
all do it, or none of us does!"
Saul: "Okay... What if I want to do a story JUST about STEVE PERRY?"
Steve P.: "Then, you've wasted your time and mine, because I'm not
interested."
Jon: "Hey, wait, Steve... this could be BIG. I mean, think of yourself, and
do it if you want. It's a real career-re-starter!
Neal: "Remember what Herbie always told us.... When has he EVER thought of
anyone BUT himself? He's probably just jerking them around for more money or
more leverage.... it's a head-game!"
Jon: "Neal, Herbie's in the looney bin right now... should we even be
considering anything he's told us in the past? I mean, didn't you just hear
what Steve said? It's all of us or it's none of us. That's decent of him,
don't you think?"
Neal: "Hey, Shane, why don't you tell Stevie-boy what the SECOND prong of
your proposal is?"
Shane: "We do a movie ABOUT Journey, call the band 'The Artists Formerly
Known as Journey', and have 'The Artists Formerly Known as Journey' played
by Spinal Tap!"
Steve P.: "You're joking, right? SPINAL TAP playing US?"
Shane: "No, SPINAL TAP playing THEM.... You could have a part in the movie
as yourself! We would even be willing to let you have creative control over
the soundtrack, and a guaranteed number of tracks for your own songs. Whatta
ya say?"
Neal: "Now, just a MINUTE! YOU never told US he would have a role in BOTH
versions! That would give him complete control over whether or not WE are
even involved!"
Shane: "That's right. Money talks and bullsh*t walks, my friend. Sorry. ---
So, Steve what's it gonna be?"
Steve P.: "I think we're ALL walking. *gets up and looks at the guys* Are we
outta here or WHAT?"
Jon: "I'm with ya... Neal?" *gets up*
Neal: "Yeah, man, me too. Smitty?" *gets up and stands with Jon and Steve*
Smitty: *nods and stand with the guys*
(They turn and start to walk out of the room...)
Ross: "Ahhhh..... helllllloooooooo????" *runs after them*
(When they get to the parking lot, they all stand still and look at each
other for a moment.....)
Neal: "I don't know why you just did what you did, but don't expect me to
thank you or anything..."
Jon: "Yeah, and that goes for me, too...."
Smitty: *points to himself and nods*
Ross: "Huh?"
Steve P.: "Okay, if that's the way you feel...." *turns to walk away*
The Guys (in unison) *laughing out loud*
Neal: *laughing* "Come back here, you little creep..."
Jon: "Don't you want a Reunion Tour?"
Ross: "Huh?"
Smitty: *pointing at the building in back of Steve, so they all turn to
look*
(Shane is running toward them waving his hands...)
Neal: "Money may talk, but bullsh*t can run, I see..."
All: *laughing*
Shane: "Wait! Wait! Okay, YOU WIN! We'll do the movie the way you want, and
you'll all be in it."
Neal: "And we get the tour?"
Shane: "And you get the tour."
Neal *looking at Steve*: "Well, I'm terrified to say this, but it's up to
you..."
Steve P.: "Okay.... we'll see how the movie goes, and then we can decide on
the tour..."
Shane: "Sorry. No can do. It's all or nothing, and it's locked down legally
before dollar one is spent..."
Steve P.: "When and where do we sign?"
Shane: "We have the contracts upstairs. You can have the weekend to go over
them, and get your lawyers involved. Monday in my office, we sign."
(They are head back to the building to pick up their contracts)
Neal: *as they are walking* You know, Steve, you screw this up and I'll kill
you..."
Steve P. : "Yeah, I know..."
Jon: "We're a family again! This is HEAVY. I'll NEVER forget this!"
Steve, Neal, Smitty, and even Ross (in unison) : "Shut up, Jon!"
Meanwhile, back at the Casa de Crazy, Herbie begind to plot his next escape
attempt. This time, he'd go solo. No one else to mess it up this time....
That's when he hears....
The Voice: "Herbie, we're making a movie, and reforming for a Reunion Tour.
Isn't that GREAT?"
Herbie: "Oh, NO! Over my dead body!"
The Voice: "So, what are you going to do to stop us? We sign the contracts
on Monday. And then, Herbie, you lose...."
Herbie: "No, I won't let it happen! I'll just have to break out before
then... yeah, that's what I'll do!"
The Voice: "I'll believe it when I see it, Herbie..."
Herbie stood in his cell, er... room, screaming YOU'LL SEE IT YOU LITTLE
#&@^$%#$*#&@^#&er, YOU'LL SEE IT!!!!! until they came and sedated him. Will
Herbie bust out before Monday? Will he be able to stop the movie and the
Reunion Tour from happening?
Early in the morning, at the Casa de Crazy... Herbie pretends to be asleep
when Nurse Ratchet comes in to give him his morning meds. As she stands by
the cart, loading the needle, he can't help but notice that they are about
the same size. It is then that the germ of his fiendish plot begins to take
to germinate in his paranoid brain... Now he sees his way out, and he has
only 24 hours to prepare... He rolls over when asked to get his shot, and
decides to see what The Voice thinks.... After Nurse R. leaves the room:
Herbie: *talking out loud* "Hey, Nutball! Are you around today? I know how
to get out of here now, and even YOU can't stop me! I may even be in time to
spoil that little Reunion Tour and movie deal you and your brainless little
buddies have going. HEY! Are you here or WHAT????"
The Voice: "I'm here, Herbie, so stop shouting! What's your plan?"
Herbie: "Nurse Ratchet and I are about the same size. Tomorrow morning, when
she comes in to shoot me up, I figure I'll overpower her, knock her out, and
steal her uniform. By the time they find her, I'll be long gone."
The Voice: "YOU'RE going to knock a woman out, and steal her clothes?
Herbie, that's nuts, even for you! What about your beard? How are you going
to shave it off in a place where they won't let you use a razor?"
Herbie: "I'll figure SOMETHING out. Don't you worry, tomorrow morning, by
this time, I'll be on the loose."
The Voice: "Sounds like a plan, Herbie. You've got it all figured out. But,
remember, if she sticks you with the needle, you'll be out cold before you
can get that dress on...."
Herbie: "You don't think I can overpower a woman?"
The Voice: "Maybe with your breath... *laughing hysterically*"
Herbie: "Aw... shut up! We'll see what's what tomorrow.."
The Voice: "I'll be here. I wouldn't miss it for the world!"
It was then that Herbie felt the meds take effect. Everything around him got
dimmer, and he passed out.
Will Herbie REALLY break out? Will he do it in a dress? And can he overpower
ANYONE without breathing on them first?
It is dawn, and Herbie is poised behind the door of his cell, er... room,
waiting to pounce on Nurse Ratchet when she comes in with his meds. As he
waits, he hears...
The Voice: "Good morning, Herbie! So, this is the big day, huh? Are you
excited?"
Herbie: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, now go away, so I can concentrate!"
The Voice: "I wanna watch... Have you got your plan down?"
Herbie: "YES! --- Now, GO AWAY!"
The Voice: "Herbie, I hear the med cart coming down the hall. I'll be
watching...."
(The med cart stops outside the door, and Nurse Ratchet stops to load the
needle. Herbie watches the doorknob begin to turn....)
The Voice: "Here she comes, Herbie... it's SHOWTIME!..."
(The door opens before Herbie can respond. He springs from his crouching
position. While wrestling her to the floor, he manages to get the needle
away from her, and jabs her in the thigh. The fight continues until the
sedation takes effect. Herbie gets up and looks down at her motionless
body...)
The Voice: "Wow, Herbie! What's next?"
Herbie: "I gotta get her onto the bed, and *gulp* take her clothes off her."
(Herbie drags her over to the bed, and with a groan, heaves her up onto the
bunk.)
The Voice: "Ah... been eating your Wheaties! Well, aren't you going to get
that uniform on? I've been waiting to see you in that thing for a whole
day!"
Herbie: *gasping for air* "Like I'm doing this for YOUR benefit, you little
creep! If you won't go away, at least SHUT UP! I got a lotta work to do!"
(Herbie gets onto the bunk, and starts to undress her. When she's completely
undressed, he takes his clothes off, and dresses her in them, and rolls her
over and covers her with his blanket. Then he gets into the uniform, and
looks into the mirror. What should he do about the beard? Hmmm.... He goes
over to the dresser, and puts on his sunglasses, then the nurse's cap --
looks in the mirror again. Hey! not bad! They'll never notice the beard now!
He makes a note to himself to buy more sunglasses in the future. Now he
makes his way down the hallway, and through the reception area. He walks
RIGHT OUT THE FRONT DOOR! ...)
The Voice: "That was GREAT! Now what? How are you going to get away?"
Herbie: "I'm going down to the street and hail a cab...."
The Voice: "Dressed like THAT?"
Herbie: "Of course, dressed like this!"
The Voice: "Why are you walking like that, Herbie?..."
Herbie: "How DO women wear PANTYHOSE all day? Cripes, these things are
binding me something FIERCE!"
(Herbie gets to the corner, and hails a cab. When he gets in, he tells the
driver to take him to the Miramax Studios. He would just wait for Journey to
show up, and then ruin everything! Yeah......)
Cab Driver: "So, you a nurse?"
Herbie: "No.. I'm Elvis freaking Presley! Just DRIVE!!! *wrestling with the
pantyhose a bit*
Cab Driver: "Hey, you alright back there? *checks the rearview mirror* My
aunt Louise had your problem. She was grumpy all the time, too. But there
are things you can do to make yourself feel better..."
Herbie: "Like WHAT?
Cab Driver: "Well, there's shaving, and there's hair remover.... and there's
also hormone replacement therapy... that's what my aunt did. They found she
had too much male hormone and it was making her all agressive and hairy...
no offense."
Herbie: "WHATTA YA MEAN AGRESSIVE AND HAIRY?????? You think you can actually
SAY THAT to a woman and get away with it?"
Cab Driver: "Well, yeah...."
Herbie: "Yeah, well BITE ME, you little a**hole! How would YOU like someone
saying something like that to your mother or your sister? Huh?"
Cab Driver: "Well, I didn't mean nothing by it. I was just trying to help!"
Herbie: "Yeah, well, pull over there in those bushes, will you?"
(The cab pulls over near a large hedgerow. The street is deserted, and the
sun is just coming up...)
Cab Driver: "Are you sure you want to get out here? The street is deserted.
Are you sure you don't want me to drop you at your door?"
Herbie: "What are you ,anyway, my MOTHER? How about if I DROP YOU?"
(A scuffle ensues, and Herbie takes the unconscious cabdriver out of the cab
and leaves him in the bushes. Then he gets back in the cab, and drives
away....)
The Voice: "Herbie, that's now TWO assaults and a car theft.... don't you
think you should just stop and turn yourself in? This is getting serious
now...."
Herbie: "In for a penny, in for a pound! Things are just starting to go my
way again!"
The Voice: "You are a man with a beard in uncomfortable pantyhose, wearing a
nurse's uniform with a nametag on it that says your name is 'Velma'. You
have just assaulted two people and stolen a taxi.... and you think things
are going your way?"
Herbie: *looking down at the nametag on the uniform* "I didn't know her name
was 'Velma'! I had an aunt named Velma, and she was so nice.... used to make
me cookies, and call me 'Herbert'... I LOVED her....."
The Voice: "Really? What happened to her?"
Herbie: "She died in a bizarre gardening accident.... the family never talks
about it."
The Voice: "You can tell ME, though...."
Herbie: "Well, the way I heard it was my uncle walked in on her and the
gardener one day, and shot them both!...... THERE! Are you satisfied? I
LOVED that woman!"
The Voice: "I'm just beginning to understand you, Herbie...."
When they got to the Miramax parking lot, Herbie parked the car, and sat
there -- sobbing into Velma's hanky until he saw Neal's car pull in and
park. No time for tears now! Herbie would put his plan into action! ....
Would those pantyhose be the catalyst for disaster? Could this ALL have been
averted with hormone replacement therapy? Would Velma ever WANT to use that
hanky again?
When they got to the Miramax parking lot, Herbie parked the car, and sat
there -- sobbing into Velma's hanky until he saw Neal's car pull in and
park. No time for tears now! Herbie would put his plan into action! ....
Herbie waited for Neal to park his car, and watched him get out. Now was his
chance to get Neal alone one last time and try to talk some sense into
him.... So, he jumped from the taxi, and started to run for Neal.
Neal saw this very big, and very hairy nurse running toward him. "Can't
these fans leave me alone?" he thought. Then as the nurse came closer,
"Geez, this is an ugly one, man!" When the nurse was close enough for Neal
to see his face, he was shocked! It was Herbie!
(Herbie runs up to Neal, but is too out-of-breath to talk..... So, Neal goes
first.....)
Neal: "Herbie! What the.... Jeezuss, man, you look terrible! What are you
doing dressed like a nurse? ... Wait! You didn't go FUNNY on me or anything
while you were inside, did you?"
Herbie: *still catching his breath* "It was the looney bin, not Sing-Sing,
you idiot!"
Neal : "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be back in THERE making a
basket or something?"
Herbie: "Nah... I'm here to stop you from making the worst mistake of your
life...."
(Jon's car pulls up, and Jon gets out.)
Jon: "Herbie! What the..?"
Neal: "He had to come to keep us from making the worst mistake of our
lives... *raising his eyebrows to signal to Jon to humor him until others
get here* ... I think we should listen to what he has to say, don't you?..."
(They both watch as Herbie tries to adjust his panyhose again...)
Neal: "Herbie, what the HELL are you doing?"
Herbie: "I got a ^$&#%ing wedgie, okay? I don't know how women don't run
around screaming all day. This is NOT a pleasant sensation I'm having....
*screaming* Aaarrrrggggghhhh!"
Jon: "Well, Herbie, I see your problem... you got 'em on backwards..."
Herbie: "Backwards????"
Jon: "Yeah... you see, when they have lines like that, the lines go down the
BACK of the legs, not the front.... Are they control top?"
Herbie: "How the &$^#%$*#^ should I know?"
Jon: "Well, are you wearing a girdle, or are they holding in your tummy all
by themselves?"
Herbie: *looking at Neal* "I'm gonna kill him!.... **looking at Jon*.... Get
away from me!"
Jon: "Okay, okay..." *going to stand on the other side of Neal*
(Ross pulls up, and gets out...)
Ross: "Oh, thank God! I couldn't remember if today was Monday or not, or was
it that I couldn't remember if they SAID to be here Monday... whatever!
You're all here, so this must be the day! *just notices Herbie for the first
time* *looks at Neal and Jon who are raising their eyebrows at him to signal
to him to go along* .... Herbie! Jeez... long time no see! What's up?
*backing away from Herbie to stand with the others*
Herbie: "You can't do this deal with PERRY! You CAN'T! He'll ruin your
lives, like he's ruined mine! I can't let that happen to you --- you're all
like sons to me -- except for Jon, and maybe Ross... but, never mind! DON'T
DO IT!
Jon: "Or WHAT, Herbie?"
Neal: "You moron! ..... you HAD to ask him THAT? What if he has a weapon?"
Jon: "Nah... Herbie's a lot of things ... hostile, wacked, impulsive...
jeez, I see what you mean.... "
Herbie: "Why are you talking about me like I'm not here? I'M HERE! Deal with
it!"
Ross: "Herbie, your pantyhose are on backw..."
Herbie: "Why does everyone here but 'the crazy person' know about panyhose?
Is there something you boys wanna tell Herbie, huh? *mumbling to
himself*......Next time we do a BTM on VH-1 I'm gonna have a field day with
this pantyhose stuff!"
Jon: "But, the dress is nice. Very tasteful... Where'd you get it?"
Herbie: "From the UNIFORM FAIRY, you dolt! .... Off a nurse!"
Neal: "Herbie, man.... YOU got a woman to undress for you??? *looking at Jon
and snickering* --- She musta been unconscious, man!"
*they both laugh, and then look at Herbie...*
Herbie: "She WAS! And I got her that way... Like I'm gonna do to all of you
if you don't listen to what I just said to you!"
(Smitty pulls up and gets out of his car.)
Herbie: "Have YOU got anything to say about my dress?"
Smitty: *shakes his head*
Herbie: "... about pantyhose?"
Smitty: *shakes his head*
Herbie: "... about anything?"
Smitty: *shakes his head*
Herbie: "Now, all we have to do is wait for STEVE PERRY to show his smarmy
creep-face..."
Neal: "What are ya gonna do, man? Listen, don't do anything crazy.... I
mean, an unconscious nurse..."
Herbie: ".... and a cab driver..."
Jon: "and a CAB DRIVER?" You hurt a cabdriver?..."
Herbie: "And, stole his cab... So, you see, I haven't much to lose here....
*screaming* SO YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ME! Or, so help me...."
(Steve Perry drives up, parks, and gets out...)
Steve P.: "Hi, guys! Herbie, what are you doing here? .... Dressed like
that?.... Hey, your pantyhose are on backwards...."
Herbie: "Enough, already with the PANTYHOSE!!!!! ------I'm here to stop you,
you malignant eejit! *grabs his pantyhose and starts adjusting them again*
Jon: *to Steve* "Miren al pepino... miren como se mueve" *raises his
eyebrows to clue him in*
Steve P.: "You just said..... 'Watch the cucumber... see how he moves'... am
I supposed to understand what that means?"
Jon: "I meant to say -- ”Pobre tomate!.... El deserķa poder bailar..."
Steve P.: "Jon, for cripes sake, that's 'Poor tomato.... He wishes he could
dance'!!! --- What are you trying to say?"
Jon: "Just watch him.... he could move fast... tal como mantequilla en un
chango pelon...." *raising his eyebrows to warn Steve*
Ross: "Oh, I'm so confused... did he just say 'like butter on a bald
monkey'? -- What are we talking about? I lost tra..."
Steve P.: "Will SOMEBODY say SOMETHING that makes sense?????"
Jon: "Ixnay erbie-Hay..." *doing the eyebrow thing again*
Steve P.: "Okay... never mind. *turning to Herbie* So, WHY are you here?"
Neal: "He thinks we're all making the biggest mistake of our lives going in
on ANY deal with you, man. Did I say that right, Herbie?"
Herbie: "Exactly!"
Neal: "And he's here to stop us..." *does the same eyebrow thing that Jon
did*
Steve P.: *catching on to what's happening* "I see...." *backing away from
Herbie slowly*
It was then that three police cruisers come screaching into the parking lot,
sirens blaring. They surround the guys, and jump out... The one with the
bullhorn tells Herbie his pantyhose are on backwards, and to give himself
up.
Herbie: "NEVER!" *looks at the guys* "I'll be BACK!" *runs for the taxi,
gets in and drives away*
The three policemen take off after him. When last seen, they were in hot
pursuit on the highway, choppers overhead. The guys watched the chase on CNN
as they signed their contracts. But, they waited until they were out in the
parking lot to talk about it....
Neal: "Man, how did those cops know we were in trouble?"
Smitty: *holds up his cell phone*
Steve P.: "You called them on your cellphone? .... While we were dealing
with Herbie?"
Smitty: *nodding*
Neal: "Thanks, man... I thought we were gonners!"
Steve P.: "You saved the day! Thanks, Smitty!" *pats him on the back*
They look over to see Jon talking to a sobbing Ross, and walk over to find
out what was wrong....
Steve P.: "Ross, what's wrong?"
Ross: "Please, I'm begging ya... make him stop practicing his Spanish one
me... I can't take it anymore!"
Neal: "Jon, knock it off, man, or I'll cream ya! *looks at Steve* He's been
out-of-control since he found that 'Veggie Tales' tape in his kid's room. We
can't get him to stop. It's almost as bad as that Pig Latin think he had
going for a while!"
Jon: "Everybody's a critic! I try to better myself by learning things, and I
only get grief for it!"
Ross: "But you were saying things that made no sense... about vegetables
that moved or wished they could dance and bald monkies and .... I can't
process stuff like that! What day is it, anyway? Did we sign the papers?
Where am I?...."
Neal: *looking at Steve* "It's gonna be a LONG movie-shoot and tour!"
Steve, Neal, Jon, and Smitty all said their good-byes, got in their cars,
and drove off, leaving Ross looking confused and saying....
"Ah....Helllllloooooooooo?????"
Meanwhile, out on the highway, in a nurse's uniform and a stolen taxi,
Herbie's on the lam, and heading for the border. Will he return to stop the
movie or the tour? Will he ever learn to like wearing pantyhose? Will Jon
move on to another foreign language, or will he continue to ruminate in
Spanish about tomatoes that wish they could dance? Will Ross ever find his
way home?
Continue On
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