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The guys are just sitting in the Green Room, waiting for the show to start. The flight out had been a bumpy one. Ross hadn't been able to find Cheerios OR an English muffin for breakfast. None of the Flight Attendants responded to Neal's advances. Jon is worried about what KIND of tux he'll have to wear. Smitty has a head cold. Steve can't get that new melody out of his head, and he hates when that happens. It is then that the producer sticks her head in and gives the guys their 2 minute warning. They walk out and stand in the wings. Oprah has just come out to a standing ovation. Show time!

Oprah: "They were the biggest-selling group of the eighties, had a few successful solo projects, and disappeared for a LONG time... Then they came together for what I think was their best album in 1996. But, an injury to their lead singer, and years worth of frustrations and misunderstandings lead them to break up. A time with another lead singer proved to be without the magic the classic line-up had created when they were together. So, now they're BACK! Here they are... the group that made the music we all made-out to... Neal Schon, Jonathan Cain, Ross Vallory, Steve Smith, and the one, the only, the incomparable STEVE PERRY. JOURNEY!!!!!!!!!!"

(The crowd goes WILD as they walk out and stand beside Oprah. soaking up the applause, waving to the audience. Finally, Oprah jestures to Steve to come and sit next to her, and for the others to take their seats. As the audience quiets...)

Oprah: "Hello... Nice to see you all again (the audience applauds)... What have you all been up to lately?" (looks at Steve)

Steve P.: "Well, we've just signed a deal with Miramax to do a movie about our Reunion Tour."(applause)

Oprah: (again to Steve) "So, are you in the studio recording right now?"

Steve P.: "No, we're in the process of writing songs for the soundtrack..."

Oprah: (again to Steve, who could feel Neal's eyes boring ahole in the side of his head) "What is that process like, then?"

Steve P.: "Why don't I let Neal handle that... he's much better at explaining the process than I am... (looking at Neal)... why don't you take it fr

om here?" Neal: "Well, Oprah, it's like this.. (goes on to explain their writing process)..."

Oprah: "Well, Dr. Phil is going to be joining us after the break, but now (the guys go over and get set up while she finishes...) to take us to break, I couldn't let them appear without asking them to do my favorite song from their last album, TRIAL BY FIRE. Here they are to sing, "When You Love a Woman"... JOURNEY!"

(applause)

The guys sing their song, and as they sing the last bar, they watch themselves fade to black on the monitors in front of them...

Oprah: (while the audience applauds) We'll be right back with Dr. Phil, and more from Journey after this break... (music plays out into the break, and she motions to the guys to come back and take their seats...)

Dr.Phil comes out, and sits between Steve and Neal, and the producer counts them down.)

Producer: "And we are live in 3, 2, (points at Oprah). 1"

(applause)

Oprah: "We're back! -- Wow! THAT WAS GREAT! I LOVE that song! -- LOVE IT! Well, a few months back I watched the VH-1 Behind The Music about you. I could see you were having trouble relating to each other, and frankly, I came away with more questions than I started with.. So, I asked Dr. Phil - our relationship guru - to see if he could help you all mend some of those hurt feelings and misunderstandings. You make such beautiful music together. you should be able to FEEL close as brothers, too. don't you think?

Neal: "To be completely honest, I always feel what ain't broke don't need to get fixed, if you get my meaning..."

Dr. Phil: (leaning in to talk to Neal) "You don't think this relationship is 'broke'?"

Neal: "Nah. not really. We can go years without speaking to each other, and still get back to making music when we want, man..."

Dr. Phil: "And you think that's healthy, now, do ya?"

Jon: "I'm always telling him, 'Neal, don't be afraid of your feelings...', but he never wants to talk about them."

Dr. Phil: "Is that right, Neal? Why are you so darned afraid to share your feelings with Jon?"

Neal: "Well, Dr. Phil, I'm having a feeling right now thatI'd LOVE to share with Jon..."

Dr. Phil: "Are you ANGRY with Jon for what he just said?"Neal: "Yeah... I am... and I'm not too thrilled with you right now, if you wanna know the truth!"

Dr. Phil: "Good, Neal... You are sharing your anger openly and honestly with Jonathan. That's a good start. (Turning to Steve) Steve why don't you try to explain to me why you never felt like you were a member of the band..."

Neal: (rolling his eyes) "This oughtta be good!"

Dr. Phil: "No ambushing, Neal, and no criticizing. none of that 'sneakier than a polecat' stuff! You'll get your turn when Steve is done. Go on, Steve..."

Steve P.: "Well... I could see when I joined them, that they had a strong bond between them, and being shy and uncertain of my position at the beginning, I often felt like the odd-man-out. To make them take notice, I overcompensated in the control department... I started to impose my musical opinions on them, and fought for their implementation, sometimes to the determent of the relationship."

Dr. Phil: "So, all you wanted was to be included more. to be noticed and appreciated. Isn't that right?"

Steve P.: "Well, yes, I suppose so. but, we DID start to have one hit after the other once I started to dictate the musical direction of the group, and I THOUGHT that's what they wanted. And after a while I felt that was ALL they wanted from me."

Dr. Phil: "So, when your relationship with Sherrie started to go sour, you thought the guys wouldn't even miss you when you rode around withher instead of flying to gigs with them, isn't that right?"

Neal: "It was stupid, man... You treated us like we weren't even there! And then we treated YOU lousy 'cause we were hurt. And it all snowballed from there! Why couldn't you have just taken her on the plane with us? Were we so awful that you couldn't expose your ladylove to us? At least we would've been together!"

Jon: "Yeah it was terrible... Neal and I would write a riff or two, and not be able to go any further, because we'd want to run it by you first... I hated that tour! Why DIDN'T you just fly along with us?"

Steve P.: "I never told you, because you never asked me, but Sherrie was afraid of flying. And I couldn't go to the meet-and-greets after the shows because she was so jealous of all the cute fans I'd meet at them. I was trying to show her I could be as devoted to her as she wanted me to be, but in the end, we just broke up anyway. I felt awful that I lost BOTH relationships that year. It was horrible for me, too."

Neal: "She was afraid of flying?"

Jon: "And jealous of the fans?" Neal: "Why didn't you just come to us and tell us?"

Steve P.: "I didn't think you'd care... I already felt like you resented me, and my influence in the group, Neal, and I felt that Jon was fed up with me, too. So, I felt I had to hold onto Sherrie. I knew if I didn't, I'd end up alone when the tour was over."

Dr. Phil: "And you didn't WANT to be alone, now, did you?"

Steve P.: "No."

Ross: "What about when Herbie came to the meeting and said you hated me and Smitty and we were out of the group? That really hurt MY feelings! What did we do?"

Steve P.: "Again, those were Herbie's words, not mine. Inever said I HATED you. I said that because of your personal styles, and the direction I wanted to take Journey's music in, the sound wasn't working out. Neal and Jon even agreed with me. You weren't fired on just MY say-so! But, as I said on BTM, if I had it to do today, I wouldn't have done it. That tour wasn't the same without you guys. I was wrong to sacrifice our relationship for the sound of the band. I'm sorry it hurt you, Ross. and you, too, Smitty. Herbie had a habit of putting things in the most inflammatory way, I guess. I should never have left it up to him to tell you."

Ross: (with tears in his eyes) "Thanks, Steve. "

Smitty: (nods at him)Oprah: "Isn't that great?" (applause) "We'll be right back".(more applause)

They all sat there without a word, kind of stunned, until the Producer came over and started to count them down again.

Producer: "And we are live in 3, 2, (points at Oprah). 1"

(applause)

Oprah: "Dr. Phil, how are they doing?"Dr Phil: "I think they're doing just fine. but there are other topics to cover, so.. Neal, I understand you had a problem with only Steve's problems being highlighted on the show..."

Neal: "Well, they spent a lot of time talking about his mom's illness and death, and truth be told, my dad died in that time period, too, and it was never mentioned. I was kind of hurt."

Jon: "And it should've been..."

Steve P.: "I agree."Neal: "But you had 'final cut'. and could've said you wanted something about my dad in there, if for no other reason than what he'd meant to the band."

Steve P.: "I was so hurt that you'd dropped me from the band, I didn't care about how hurt you'd be. I'm sorry, I really am... but can't you see how hurt I must have been by being dumped that way? I begged you not to go on that tour as Journey. You could've used ANY other name..."

Neal: "We waited for you, and you just kept postponing that hip surgery, man! We watched that great album disappear from the charts, and you never made a move to get the surgery, and go out on tour."

Jon: "We felt you were just jerking us around. We felt like you didn't care. Month after month went by, and you were trying exercise, massage, diet - everything, but the surgery the doctor said you'd need. We already lost one album, and we would've waited for you if you got the surgery, but you never made a move in that direction!"

Steve P.: "I felt like you didn't understand how scared I was of the operation. If the surgery went wrong, I could've ended up not being able to walk! I felt like all you were interested in was the tour... not what I was feeling. I felt you weren't even making an attempt to understand, so the more you bugged me about it, the harder I dug my heels in, and refused."

Neal: "You mean to tell me, that if we'd just got off your back for a few weeks you might've gone and had the surgery? Is THAT what you're telling me?"

Steve P.: "I think I would have, yes."

Neal: "You freaking idiot! You son of a (bleep). I want to tear you limb from limb right now!" (gets up and starts to try and hit Steve over Dr. Phil)

Dr. Phil: (as Jon, Smitty, and Ross try to get Neal to stops winging at Steve) "Oprah, I think we need to go to commercial."

Oprah: "We'll be right back!"

Dr Phil, and the guys try to pull Neal off of Steve before the commercial is over. Finally, they are able to break it up...

Neal: (to Dr. Phil) "See? See what we go through with this guy? He's WAY too sensitive. he's stubborn... he's INFURIATING!!!!!!"

Dr. Phil: "Now, now, now.. We'll just get ourselves to the bottom of this..."And they did. Oprah left the tape rolling (and rolling and rolling.)

When the guys were finished, there was enough material for a whole week of shows. So, their one-day appearance turned into five. Oprah proudly touted that week in her promos as "Journey Week".

As all of Oprah's shows go... their appearances spanned the entire gamut of emotions. Viewers were moved by the feelings they showed... The audience cried when Steve talked about his mother, and when Neal talked about his father. They oohed and ahhed at pictures of Jon's kids. They laughed at stories the guys shared of their times on the road.

On the plane ride home, they settled into their First Class seats, and the talk continued...

Neal: "Anybody got any of those beer nuts they're not gonna eat?"

Jon: "I thought we talked about that eating thing of yours.Dr. Phil told you that when you feel you need to eat when you're not hungry, you are trying to stuff down your emotions... now, what emotion are you trying to stuff? You can talk to us... we care..."

Neal: (making a fist) "This is what I'm gonna stuff... right in that oh-so sensitive stick-your-nose-in-everyone's-business face in two seconds..."

Jon: "Steve, you try. tell him he can share all that hostility and anger with us... we care"

Steve P.: "Are you crazy? Look at him... he's pissed off over beer nuts! How can you deal with someone who gets pissed off over beer nuts?"

Neal: "Hey, Mr. Voice... Deal with THIS!" (hand gesture)

Steve: "Nice... Very nice, Neal."

Jon: "Okay, this is escalating fast. Dr. Phil told us to watch for old patterns of interaction creeping into our relationship. I think this is one of those... old patterns, I mean."

Neal: "Am I gonna have to listen to this mamby-pamby sissy psychobabble all the way home? It was bad enough listening politely while the cameras were on! Cripes! (looking at Ross) Gimme those damn beer nuts or I'll cream you!"

Ross: (handing him his half-eaten beer nuts) "Ahhhhh.okaaayyyy. Here, Neal, enjoy, man."

Steve: "Wouldn't it be easier just to ask the Flight Attendant for more beer nuts of your own? I know it would be NICER..."

Neal: "I keep buzzing, and no one comes..."

Steve (buzzing for the Flight Attendant who comes rightover) "May we have more beer nuts, please?"

Flight Attendant: "Aren't you Steve Perry of Journey?"

Steve: "Yes, I am..."

Flight Attendant: "I just saw you on Oprah! She said you were going to be on for the rest of the week."

Neal: (smiling at her) "The rest is on tape..."

Flight Attendant: "Are you with him? Are you his manager?"

Neal: "I thought you said you watched the show. (gesturing to himself and the others) WE are Journey."

Flight Attendant: "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought 'Journey' was Steve's stage name. you know, like Marshall Mathers is 'Eminem' and Fred Durst is 'Limp Bizkit'... you know. kinda like that. And you guys were just his back-up group! (giggles)... I'm sorry, we're out of beer nuts..."

Ross: (looking at Smitty) "Uh-ooooohhhhh..."

Jon: "Now, Neal... that's a common mistake for someone her age to make... and who cares about beer nuts, right? Take a moment to calm and center yourself... Close your eyes, and do your conscious breathing... (motioning to the Flight Attendant to leave)."

Flight Attendant: (patting Neal's tummy) "You didn't need any more beer nuts, anyway, now did you? They're LOADED with fat... I have some GREAT non-fat BAKED Nacho Chips that I think you'll like..."

Neal: (stifling a scream) "Get... her... away... from... me..."

Things went on predictably from there, and Irving got a call from a frenzied Jon to meet the plane with bail money. Seems Neal was going to be charged with an in-air disturbance, and was in airline custody.

Irving: "What HAPPENED?"

Jon: "Well, he kind of just went blind with rage..."

And he went on to tell him about the beer nuts, and Steve and the Flight Attendant and the fat in beer nuts.

Irving: "Are the rest of you okay?"

Jon: "Well, we had to pull him off of Steve. Whenever ANYTHING goes wrong he attacks Steve. have you noticed that? It's a pattern that just keeps repeating itself in our relationship, you know. but, Smitty, Ross, and I have only scratches and bruises from trying to break it up. Steve has a black eye, and a bloody nose right now. All the Flight Attendants are taking turns working on him... This is a very nice airline. they keep offering to kiss it and make it better, but Steve won't let them."

Irving met the plane. He brought the bail money, but the captain released Neal to him with just a stern warning. Irving told Neal he HAD to get some anger-management therapy before the tour. Irving's new glasses will be ready before his eye heals.

(In Irving's office the day after Neal's air rage incident... he walks in to find the guys in another argument. This infuriates him, and he feels it's time to take action....)

Irving: "I want you all to think about something... Do you REALLY want to tour together? Have you noticed that whenever you get close to it, something awful happens?..."

Neal: "You mean, like, we have to see each other?..." (laughs) "Or do you mean that Typhoid Steve gets injured? (looking at Steve) Man, I wonder if you were on the Titanic in your last life!" (laughs again, then notices no one else is laughing with him...) "...........WHAT?"

Jon: "You were disgraceful on that plane yesterday!"

Irving: "Well, it stops here. I've done EVERYTHING I can think of to help you get this act together. I'm not working with you any longer unless you come back to me and say you're ready to do whatever is necessary to get along with each other for this tour!"

Steve P.: "Okay, I'll bite... How are we suppoosed to do that?"

Irving: "I want you all to think about where you will be in FIVE YEARS from today if you don't do this tour.... What will you be doing? Will you be happy? Will you be doing something you love? ---- THINK ABOUT IT! And after you've thought, I want you to come back and tell me if there is going to be a Reunion Tour or not! .... Now, get out of this office until none of you is here to waste my time!"

They all get up and file out of the office, single-file...

Jon: (turning around to face the others) "So, what are we going to do?"

Steve P.: "Do like the man said and THINK about it."

Jon: "Are we going to meet afterward and decide about the tour?"

Neal: "Tomorrow morning, Steve's house, 10am, and we'll thrash this thing out...."

Steve P.: "Wait! Why MY house?...."

Neal: "It's the only way I trust you to show up, man!"

Jon: (to Steve) "Oh, well, you have 24 hours to buy more property insurance, and hide the breakables...."

They all go their seperate ways... Each back to his home to think and reflect. Each of them spends the rest of the afternoon and evening considering where they would be in 5 years if they didn't take this opportunity and tour together one last time. Then, each fell asleep, earlier and deeper than usual... Once asleep, each was "awakened" by their Rock and Roll Guardian Angel... Neal was awakened by Jimi Hendrix... Steve, by Sam Cooke... Smitty, by Keith Moon... Ross, by Muddy Waters... and Jon, by Karen Carpenter[?] Once "awake", their angel took them to Rock and Roll Heaven to stand trial for the ultimate offense... "squandering"!

They were put in a room with their angels to wait for their turn on the docket...

Neal (to Jimi): "So, YOU'RE my angel, man... cool!"

Jimi: "Yeah.... you were my penance for taking that overdose."

Neal: "PENANCE? Hey! You could do worse..."

Jimi: "Like, with who, man?"

Neal: (thinks for a while...) "Brittney Spears!"

Jimi: "At least she's fine-looking, and if you believe the girl, she's not that innocent... I like that in a woman..."

Neal: "I see what you mean..."

Jimi: "You're a great guitarist, man, but a pain in the a**!"

Neal: "You think so... REALLY?

Jimi: "I think so... REALLY! I never met such a pain in the a**!!!"

Neal: "Oh..."

Sam: (to Steve) "You are blessed with a voice that makes me humble... You need to use that voice! You need to raise that voice to the heavens... Instead, you spend your time worrying about what fools around you think of you. The he** with them, man... It's now or never!"

Steve P.: "I LOVE to perform... I think about it day and night..."

Sam: "Do more than think, my man.... use it or lose it!"

Steve P.: "You mean, sing just to sing?"

Sam: "Rrriiiigggghhhhtttt.... If you are the born-singer I know you are, it'll give you joy. What's life without joy?"

Keith: (putting his mouth right up to Smitty's ear, and screaming...) "SMITTY!!!!!!!!!!"

Smitty: "Oh, geez... what?

Keith: "Bang something!"

Smitty: "That's your advice to me?"

Keith: "YYYYYEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Smitty: "Thanks..."

Muddy: (to Ross) "You ready to groove or not?"

Ross: "Huh?"

Muddy: "Groove, man... are you ready to groove?

Ross: "Huh?"

Muddy: "Enjoyed the sixties, did ya?"

Ross: "And the seventies, and the eighties...."

Muddy: "Do the best you can..."

Ross: "Huh?"

Karen: (to Jon) "Don't let anyone get you down... You write BEAUTIFUL songs... and you play a GREAT keyboard...."

Jon: "Thanks, I try..."

Neal (to Karen): "They let you in Rock and Roll Heaven?"

Karen: "Yes, of course...."

Jimi: (whispering in Neal's ear) "She had to promise not to sing 'Close to You'..."

Neal: (whispering back) "I KNEW he had to get the inspiration for that bomb, 'Open Arms' SOMEWHERE!... Who knew he was a closet Carpenter-freak?"

Jimi: "It could have been worse... they let Liberace in up here as an early influence to Elvis!"

Neal: "Liberace influenced Elvis' music???"

Jimi: "No, his clothes...."

Neal: "OOOOhhhhhhhhh......"

Another angel sticks his head in the door....

Angel: "We're ready for you now...." (sticks his head back out, and the door closes)

Steve P.: (to Sam) "Was that ELVIS?"

Sam: "Yeah, he's the bailiff... that's his penance for "squandering"..."

Steve P.: "Isn't that what WE'RE here for?"

Sam: "Yeah... Elvis was tried and found guilty. All those drugs, gorging on food, consorting with women half his age.... anything but using his Heaven-sent talent... Two days later, they found him dead on the toilet... what an undignified way to go!"

Jimi, stands, and all the other angels follow him out the door... the guys follow them... they walk up before the judge... John Lennon...

John: "Hey, Jimi! ... Muddy... Keith... Sam... Karen? ... What are...?"

Karen: "I had to promise not to sing 'Close to You'...."

John: "Hey, who are ANY of us to throw stones, eh? ....... So, who do we have here?"

Jimi: "It's Journey..."

John: "Corporate Rock?... Arena gods?... "Open Arms"? ... THAT Journey???"

Jimi: "They object to 'Corporate Rock'...."

John: "Oh, REALLY? They object to that? How about 'totally insignifigant'? How about "complete waste of time'???"

Neal: "HEY! That's US you're talking about! I don't care WHO you are ... were... whatever... we are not totally insignifigant OR a complete waste of time!"

John: "Are ya ready to prove it, though?... Well, to help you decide, I'm here to take you to a place, 5 years down the road, to who and what you'll become if you squander this last opportunity to tour together..."

The courtroom goes dark and a large movie screen descends from the ceiling. The first image on the screen is Jon Cain... in a blue cardigan sweater, and a nice comfortable pair of slippers... then, this blurb appears beside his image: "Jonathan Cain has filled the vaccuum left on PBS when Mr. Rogers retired. His series, "Mr. Cain's Neighborhood" is the crown jewel in the PBS lineup of childrens' educational programming. His new CD, 'Mr. Cain Plays with His Organ' is at the top of Billboard's Kiddie Chart this week. His new Video, 'Lunch at the Bagel Shop with Mr. Cain' has become the #1 best-selling kiddie-video of all time..."

Jon: "Well, that's not so bad... is it?"

John: "It's not Rock and Roll, son!... sit down"

The next image to come up is Ross Vallory in a suit and tie, looking sincere and a bit goofy. Beside his image, this blurb appeared: "Ross Vallory is a motivational speaker who tours High Schools and colleges talking about his best selling book, 'Success on Only 18,957 Working Brain Cells: The Ross Vallory Story'. The series is being sponsored by the This Is Your Brain on Drugs Council. Ross encourages teens to 'just say NO!' -- especially when they can't remember what the question was!"

John: "Ross, what do you have to say about THAT?"

Ross: "About what, John?"

John: "Sit down...."

The next image to come up is Neal Schon... rather portly... in a chef's coat. The following blurb accompanied the photo: "Neal Schon's award-winning cooking show, 'Kick It Up Another Notch, Man!' has taken over where his look-alike guru, Emeril Lagasse, left off. His high-energy delivery and his trademark phrase 'When I say BAM! I really mean it!!!' has made him a grass-roots sensation. His new best-seller, 'The Only Virgin in My Kitchen is the Olive Oil, Man!' debuted at #1 on the NY Times Bestsellers list this week. His last book, 'Balsamic, THIS, Man!' spent a record 49 weeks at #1."

Neal: "Hey, I'm successful...."

John: "It's the Food Network, not VH-1... sit down"

Next image was Steve Smith behind a set of drums. Beside that image was this short blurb: "Steve "Smitty" Smith is a Grammy-Award winning Jazz drummer, and the founder of the Puget Sound Academy of Jazz in Seattle."

Smitty: "It's still music!"

John: "That it is. If you like Jazz.... Sit down.."

The last image Is of Steve Perry, still looking about 15 years younger than he really is... still with those eyes, but they are looking a bit haunted. Beside his image is this blurb: "Steve Perry is a world-famous painter. His painting, 'Dove of Peace' hangs today in the lobby of the United Nations Building in NYC. His 'And God Created The Voice' is the only painting installed at the Vatican by a living artist. After finding the cure for Cancer, he was awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine on 2003. When he mediated the talks that led to World Peace, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2004. He is often seen indulging in his favorite hobby, walking on water. Still adored by his legion of fans, he still insists there is ALWAYS the chance he will sing again. Someday. Maybe....He thinks about it every day."

John: "Paintings... the cure for Cancer... The Nobel Peace Prize... Walking on water... You'll do ANYTHING to keep from singing! Why IS that?... Think on it, my friend, and sit down..."

The guys all look at each other. Was this the way they were going to go? They were musicians! They all stood up to face John...

John: "Well, what'll it be, boys?... totally insignifigant AND a complete waste of time, or JOURNEY?"

The guys (in unison): "JOURNEY!"

John: "I can't HEAR you..."

The guys (in unison): "JOURNEY!!!!"

John: "One more time, like you MEAN IT!"

The guys (in unison): "JOURNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The guys each woke up with a start in their own beds... Each thinking it had just been a bad dream, they still went to Steve's house for breakfast... but with a new determination to make things work! Over breakfast, they all discovered they'd had the SAME DREAM... Neal dismissed it as a total fluke... Jon believed it had been a mystical and synchronistic sign from the heavens... Smitty never said what he thought... Ross forgot what he was going to say... And Steve KNEW he would sing again.

After breakfast was over, and the talks were had, Neal called Irving at his office:

Neal: "We're ON!"

Irving: (winking at the picture of John Lennon that hangs on his wall) "I knew you'd do the right thing..."

After he hung the phone up, the picture of John Lennon winked back.

Steve was going to be the last to be picked up. Jon had made such a big deal about them all riding together. He wondered what was so scary to the guys about going to an "image consultant" and a wardrobe-fitting for the movie. As he sat and pondered that thought, he heard Jon's horn outside. "Time to rock and roll!", he said to himself, and ran out the door. He could see Neal beside Jon in the front seat... no one looked more out-of-place in a minivan that Neal. As he got closer, he could hear them fighting already. When he was almost there, Neal jumped out.

Neal: "Okay, YOU sit up front with this lunatic! I'm getting in back where I can chill out with someone who doesn't want to talk and someone who doesn't know when to talk..."

Steve P.: (walks up to the back window and waves to Ross and Smitty, who look overjoyed -- not! -- to have Neal climbing in with them. Then, getting in the front seat...) "Hi, Jon... what's up?"

Jon: "Did you ever feel like you were being taken hostage in your own car? We're halfway here, and Neal decides I drive like an old lady, and demands I let him drive. I say no, and he grabs the wheel -- on the highway! -- and steers us across 3 lanes of traffic into the breakdown lane! We could've been killed! --- And take a whiff... smell it?"

Steve P.: "What IS that?"

Ross: "I spewed on myself. I had the scare of a lifetime, and I spewed."

Steve P.: (turning to look at Smitty) "Are YOU okay?"

Smitty: (nods at Steve) "I'm glad I didn't eat breakfast before I came..."

Jon: "And HE calls ME a lunatic!!!"

Steve P.: "Why do I feel I'm always breaking up a fight at recess with you guys? (to Neal) Neal... why do you do these things? What was so bad about Jon's driving that you felt the need to do what you did?"

Neal: "You wouldn't understand..." Steve P.: "Try me..."

Neal: "Jon is the kind of guy that is going to hike up his pants and walk with a shuffle when he's 65... you know? He a freaking old lady already. We were going 55 in the passing lane, man! Cars were tailgating us, beeping their horns... It was embarrassing! All I could think of was someone would recognize us, and we'd ALL be famous old ladies by association!"

Jon: "I am a responsible driver, Neal. When I have a car full of people, I do my best to drive safely. There's no shame in that!"

Neal: "What's happened to us? We used to be the biggest rock 'n' roll badasses... riding Harleys... black leather head-to-toe, man. And here we are, riding in a silver-blue minivan that has an Elmo, with a sign that says 'tickle me', stuck to the back window, in the passing lane, driving at 55 mph! It's terrifying! ..."

Steve P.: "Okay... sit back and relax, Neal. I'm riding up front. Why don't you try to catch a nap on the way? (to Jon) When did the image consultant say we had to be there?"

Jon: "10am... We'll just about make it is we leave now."

Neal: "Doesn't Ross have time to go in and wash this stink off?"

Steve P.: "Ross, do you want to go in and change into one of my shirts? It'll save time."

Ross: "Aw, that would be super... do you mind?"

Steve P.: (jumping out of the car) "Come on!"

He and Ross walk into the house, and emerge about one minute later with Ross in a new shirt. They get into the car.

Jon: "Steve, why don't you drive? Neal thinks you'd be a good compromise..."

Steve P.: "Okay -- whatever! Just let's get this show on the road!"

He goes over and gets in the driver's seat, and Jon climbs over the console to the passenger seat....

Steve P.: "Is everyone set?"

There is a squeak from the back seat, followed by a rubber squeeze toy hitting Jon in the back of the head...

Jon: "For crissakes, Neal!"

Neal: "Couldn't you clean off the back seat? You knew you were having passengers! I was wondering what the heck I was sitting on, and I find a squeaky toy under me on the seat cushion!..."

Jon: "So, sue me!"

This went on for about ten minutes... Steve was driving along feeling like he was carpooling some kids to first grade, when Smitty broke in with a question...

Smitty: "So, does anyone know what an image consultant is, and why the studio feels we need one?"

Jon: "Well, an image consultant is someone who helps you come up with an image that will appeal to the broadest spectrum of people..."

Neal: "Nah.... it's someone who knows what's the coolest thing to be wearing and tells you..."

Jon: "No, that's a FASHION consultant..."

Ross: "An image consultant is someone who comes up with the image you should project, so you can feel cool...."

Neal: "So, why DO we need one of those? Smitty's right! I'm not having some slick Hollywood a**hole telling me I need to project a different image, and what to wear while I'm doing it!..."

Jon: "Now see... there you go -- off on a tangent again! ..........."

And the argument just sort of progressed from there. Steve popped in a CD, and they just argued louder. Finally, they pulled into the parking area of the building where the image consultant had his office....

They all jump out, and shake off the long-ish ride. Irving gets out of his car and walks over to meet them....

Irving: "Good morning... 5 minutes early! I'm impressed!"

Neal: "It's because Grandma Jonny let Steve drive...We'd still be out on the highway if he'd had his way!"

Jon: (to Irving) "Maybe you can settle this for us... What's an image consultant?"

Irving: "Well, that's kind of hard to explain.... But, in this case, it's someone who will help you update your look, and image, to what's current."

Ross: "So, it's someone who will help us lie about who we really are to make us more acceptable to ourselves and others?"

Neal: "Now there's a rare moment of lucidity, man... and he still didn't make sense!"

Iriving: "Actually he was absolutely right!"

All the way up in the elevator, Neal made Ross repeat what he'd said, trying to grasp the concept... The doors open, and a young woman with long, blonde hair is there to meet them..."

Neal: "Hi, we're here to see an Alex Palmer.."

Irving: (shaking her hand) "Hi, Alex... good to see you again..."

Neal: "YOU'RE Alex? (kisses her hand)... Enchanted to meet you...."

Irving: "And this is... Ross Vallory, Steve Smith, Jonathan Cain, and..."

Alex: "Steve Perry... I know... (holds out her hand, and he shakes it)...Well, shall we go into my office?"

They file into her office, and take seats on the large leather sofas there. She pulls up a chair from the other side of the room, facing them, and begins to speak...

Alex: "Well, why don't we start with what an image consultant is, and how I can help you...."

She talked for about 20 minutes about focus groups, opinion polls, and the need to appeal to a broad range of people when millions of dollars were being spent on a project. She spoke of how projecting the correct image could mean the difference between a mild hit and a smash.

Steve P.: "So, how does that translate into what's going to happen here today?"

Alex: "Well, first we are going to talk about some thoughts I have for each of you, based on the focus groups I ran last week. Second, I have some sketches for you to look at to illustrate the image I see as optimal for each of you. And third, I hav a tailor here to take your measurements and get started on your wardrobe for the film... How does that sound?"

Neal: "You're kidding, right? I mean, why can't we look like we always do?..."

That meant another 5 minutes of Alex explaining the difference between a mild hit, and a smash... ending with...

Alex: (smiling the whole time) "...And why would you WANT to look the way you do now in a major motion picture, anyway?...."

Neal: "Well, look, chicks usually have no problem with the way I look, you know? And having chicks like me is the image I WANT, so... you do your make-over magic on the others... I'm fine the way I am.."

Alex: "Your hair is unstyled... you are wearing jeans and a flannel shirt... and you could stand to lose twenty or thirty pounds."

Neal: "Twenty or thirty?.... Pounds? Me? I'm just husky --- it's masculine to be husky!"

Alex: "The camera adds an instant 10-15 lbs. Do you really want to photograph about 50 lbs. too heavy?... That's not masculine, that's chubby.... You look like Emeril Lagasse on a camping trip!"

Neal: "Somebody help me here! I can't get a break, man!...... Emeril Lagasse? -- Whoa!"

Jon: "I think we could all... well maybe not Ross or Steve... but the rest of us could stand to lose a few pounds..."

Alex: "And work out... you ALL need to work out."

Jon: "Cool! We're all going to get fit and trim... and we can do it together! It'll be fun!"

ALex: "Now THERE'S the attitude I'm looking for!" (smiles at a proud Jon)

Neal: "You just can't help yourself, can you? Are you gonna be a brown-nose your whole life or what, man? (looks at Alex) We're bad-ass rock'n'rollers..."

Alex: "Save it. I saw what you drove up in..."

Irving: "Guys, why don't we just hear Alex out, and save our comments for later?"

Alex: "Thank you, Irving!.........."

She went on to tell them all about the images she'd come up with for each of them, and show each of them the corresponding look.... which feature each of them should "play up"... (For Neal it was "great hair and a masculine profile"... Ross was "wistful eyes"... Smitty was "strong and silent, and looks great bald"... Jon was "sweet and sensitive face", and Steve was "great eyes, great hair, great smile...") And the need for all of them to eat right, exercize, and get lots of sleep ("make-up will only hide so much!"). Neal sat there pouting the whole time. Except for when she mentioned his hair and profile...

The sketches for their new "looks" brought a LOT of resistance, too.

Neal: "Geez.... I'll look like a pansy, man.... I'm not wearing that!" Ross: "You look like Emeril Lagasse trying to look like a biker! (laughs) Neal: "Yuck it up, brain-boy, you're about to die..."

Jon: (to Neal) "What do you think?" Neal: "Makes you look like Richard Carpenter, man... This ain't Romeo and Juliet, it's rock'n'roll!"

Ross: "I'll look like a goof-ball!" Neal: "You ARE a goof-ball, man." Ross: "Huh?"

Smitty: (shaking his head) Jon: "I agree." Steve P.: "Oh, I don't know....." Neal: "How come he's the only one who's like a movie star?... Am I wrong? Hey, the rest of you come over here, and look..." Jon: "You'll look like Pierce Brosnan... He will look like a movie star." Smitty: (nods his head) Ross: "He looks sophisticated... that's the word... isn't it?"

Then came the measuring by the tailor.

Neal: (to the tailor) "I'm a 34 regular..." Tailor: "And I'm the King of England..."

Ross: "Why can't they ever find a really good-looking woman to do the inseams?"

Jon: (to the tailor) "I'll be working out soon..." Tailor: "I bet the barbells will be happy..."

Smitty: .... well Smitty never DOES have much to say, does he?

After a gruelling 7-1/2 hours, they walked out to the car, and got in silently... Steve dropped off Ross, then Smitty, then Neal, then himself, nad handed the keys back to Jon...

Jon: "So, I'll see you at the gym tomorrow morning?"

Steve P.: "Yeah... guess so. Jon: "You think Neal will show up?

(They both laugh hysterically, then say good-bye. Jon drives off.)

As he watches the minivan disappear down the driveway, Steve reflects on the day and laughs some more... Meanwhile, in Guadalajara, Mexico....

Herbie: "Hey, babe... wanna rub some more of that oil on my back?"

Pamela: "Oh, sure, baby.... I'll rub it ANYWHERE you want..."

Herbie: "Knock yourself out, baby, knock yourself out!!"

"A Call for PEACE... a Conversation about PEACE with Your Favorite Celebrities..."

Carson Daly: "Following the tragedy on Sept. 11, 2001, Fred Durst had this to say to MTV: 'Now is the time to give it all up. To give up hatred, give up grudges, give up differences because it's not worth it. To spend our lives disliking someone or something, or have grudges... I've had my problems with whoever I've had them with, and whoever had their problem with me or Limp Bizkit. [But] I'm a human, and I'm prepared to step up to that. All of my differences are gone now.' Profound words and sentiment in a time of national upheaval... On our show today, we have celebrities from all areas of entertainment to give you their views on PEACE at this pivotal time in America's history... Our first guest is Bob Dylan. He was a folk singer, and is Jacob Dylan's father...."

Bob Dylan: "(something unintelligible)..."

Carson: "Deep, man, that was really deep... Say hi to Jacob for us... (looking into the camera) Our next guest is Anna Nicole Smith."

A.N.S.: "Hello, Carson..."

Carson: "I understand you have an impassioned statement to make to the American public... Go ahead... Look into that camera, and just say whatever it is you have to say..."

A.N.S.: "Dear America... You may think of me as a gold-digger, but no matter what you think of me, you know I KNOW men... So, tonight, I'm actually I am here to offer myself to you, the American People, as a sort of secret weapon. I will marry as many terrorists as I can. I will stay with each and every one until they are dead, and then move on to the next. This is my pledge to you. God Bless America!"

Carson: "Thanks Anna... (looking into the camera) I'm glad I'm not a terrorist! Our next celebrity is Billy Joel... Come on in Billy! Look into the camera, and say you bit, man.."

Billy: "I know I said in my song 'We Didn't Start the Fire' that we didn't start the fire, but actually, that's only partly true. I did actually start the fire. Not the one that's been burnin' since the world's been turnin', but the one in the tree house in back of Eddy James' house on Sicamore street in 1954. I'm glad that's off my chest, and now, I ask you all to give peace a chance... (to Carson) Is Yoko here tonight? (Carson shakes his head) ...good... she makes you give her a \\$5 bill every time you say that in front of a camera..."

Carson: "Yeah! I know what you mean! She cleaned up at that Tribute Concert! Sean's set for life on her earnings from that night alone!.... Our next guests are the Legendary Arena band, Journey.... Come on in guys! Introduce yourself to those Gen-Xers, who like myself, thought you were all dead! (Laughs) So, here they are, in their first television appearance together in 50 years.... only kidding!...... JOURNEY!"

Neal: "Neal Schon... hey, that's not funny, man.."

Ross: "Ross Vallory... What's not funny, Neal?"

Neal: "Shut up, you moron..."

Jon: "Jonathan Cain (Smitty steps up beside him) ... and this is Steve Smith (Smitty waves at the camera)..."

Steve P.: "Steve Perry..."

Carson: "I understand you all drew lots backstage to break up an argment over who was going to speak for you tonight... and, Ross, you won... Step up to the camera, and give America Journey's message of PEACE."

Ross: "Ahhhhh.... helllllooooo.... PEACE...... Ahhh... Peace is a good thing. Peace be with you. Peace of our fore-fathers. Give Peace a chance.... if you're watching, Yoko, my fiver's in the mail.... Come on people now, smile on your brother... everybody get together, and try to love one another right now... wait... that doesn't actually SAY Peace in it. I thought it would, actually. It does sound like a Peace song... ahhh... Wait! WAR - oooo - what is it good for - oooo - absolutely NOTHIN'! That's not about Peace, either.... and, you think it WOULD be.... As ahhh... John Kennedy said... 'ask not what you can do'... no, wait! that's not right... 'ask not your country'.... Ahhhhhhh..... "

Neal: (walking up behind Ross and putting his hand over Ross' mouth) "His mother dropped him on his head repeatedly as a child, please excuse him... What he's trying to say is Peace to all of (Ross breaks free and starts to run away from Neal who instinctively chases him)..."

Jon: "What Neal was saying before he left so quickly was..."

(Neal runs back up to the camera)

Neal: "Don't you speak for me, man. I'M not brain-dead!"

Jon: "Oh, REALLY?..........." (and they began to argue, forgetting the camera is still running)

Steve and Smitty: (both stepping up to the camera, Steve doing the talking) "Peace to all of America at this difficult time.... from all of us in Journey..." (Smitty waves)

Continue On

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